This weekend seems to have gone by quickly. I feel like I lost a day or so in there. At the same time, though, I find it hard to believe that it was only a week ago yesterday that I found out that my baby was gone. It feels like he's been gone forever. (I've always felt like this baby was a "he" so I think I'm going to refer to him that way. I can't stand calling the baby an "it" forever.)
I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid taking narcotic pain meds because I knew that, as soon as I did, I would be zoned out completely. But, I was hurting a lot. And, I finally decided that being zoned out wasn't actually a bad thing. Sunday night, despite the meds, I couldn't sleep and woke up to more contractions early Monday morning. Several hours later, I think I finally completed the miscarriage. It's amazing how the pain is gone, now. Just a few cramps here and there like a normal AF. I feel empty and drained but I feel like it is done. We'll find out with Thursday's u/s, I suppose.
So, now what? I really don't know what to do with myself. In some ways, I feel like a fool. What was I thinking that I could get everything I wanted? I mean, not only was I finally pregnant, but the timing was absolutely perfect. My DH is on sabbatical leave this coming academic year, which means that, while he is still working on research and other projects, he isn't teaching, so his schedule is flexible. He was going to travel in the fall, but he could go with me to any doctor's appointment and, in the spring, he'd be able to help with the baby day or night as needed. I was due in early January which means that I would be able to complete the fall semester and then have the entire spring semester for maternity leave and could take the summer off of teaching next year before starting back to classes in the fall. Believe me, I realized just how lucky that made me. I thought "wow, the universe recognized that it screwed me over by making me wait until I was 30 to finally meet the love of my life, 33 to get married and nearly two years to get pregnant so now it is giving me the perfect gift." What was I thinking?!
And, I suppose this either makes me hopeful or just hopelessly naive but I just never thought a m/c would happen to me. I know that we all think that, I suppose, but it happens to so many of us. For some reason, I always felt like it would be hard for me to get pregnant. So, in some way, I was OK that it took a while. But, I was certain that once I got pregnant all would be fine. Even when I knew so many IRL and in the IF community who had miscarriages. Even when I was nervous about the early signs and was worried about the pregnancy, in the back of my mind I was sure that everything would be OK.
And, every week that passed I let myself feel more and more like it was real and I relaxed. Wow, 8 weeks? That's a whole month since we found out. That's an official examination by an OB. That's being told that "just because it took a while you're just like any other pregnant woman." That's having your uterus groped from the inside and being told that it feels like an 8-10 week pregnant uterus. That's starting to schedule monthly appointments. This is real. Wow, 9 weeks? That just *sounds* real. OMG, 10 weeks??? That's DOUBLE DIGITS. That's it, baby. Um, 11 weeks? Wow, the baby is getting HUGE. We're just days away from finally revealing it to the world. I mean, 14 weeks may be where you're out of the "danger zone" but, come on, surely something would have happened by now if it was going to, right? We're SAFE. I'll finally let myself order some maternity shirts on-line (and now stare at the package that arrived the day after I miscarried) and move beyond the belly band and wear a pair of maternity pants (for the first time on the day that I started to miscarry).
That whole time? The baby was dead. How is that possible? How could that be true? The baby was already gone by the time I went to the OB. I feel like an idiot. All the times I was surreptitiously wandering around the maternity section needing new pants because of the bloat but feeling like an impostor I was right. All those women who were staring at me thinking "what is she thinking looking in this section" were right. (OK, I know they weren't really staring at me...) All the times I was thinking while I was teaching this summer "I wonder if they'll notice when I start to show?" And, when the student asked "do you have any kids?" I answered "no" but thought to myself "yes, I do, he's right here with me" and smiled. Father's Day (the day before I started to miscarry) I went to a colleague's house for a barbecue and was surrounded by all four of the people I work with on this grant who each have two kids under 4 and watched their kids run around and listened to all their "kid" talk and thought to myself -- wow, this is the last time I will feel like an outsider. All that time? The baby was gone. How stupid was I?
I feel like someone just slapped me upside the head repeatedly.
And, now, I'm trying to figure out how to mourn this baby. I don't want to forget him but I feel like he was only real to me. My DH never connected with him and doesn't feel it. I know that men and women obviously experience this differently, but it bothers me that I'm the only person who ever felt like this was really a baby and not just a long overdue period. And, knowing that, in my mind, it was an 11 week old baby but, really, was only ever 7 1/2 weeks just makes me feel more and more like a fool.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. It's not really sympathy. I just needed to get it all out. I know that it wasn't really stupid for me to believe that things were OK. I realize that. I just don't know how to move forward. I'm trying to find something to help me memorialize the baby. I've been looking at rings. I think my DH understands that I need to do this even if he doesn't understand why.
I think mostly I need to do it to help me remember that he really was "real" for a while.
When I miscarried in March, I too needed to connect and remember somehow. So I wore a charm on my necklace. It was an opal (due date of baby was Oct. Eventually I decided that I didn't want to only wear the opal (it was too fragile) but I wanted a reminder only for me, so went to my jeweler and found a tiny open heart charm that I now wear next to my own birthstone which is my usual neck wear. It is comforting to have it near, it is not noticeable to others.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are experiencing this.
There are so many wonderful ideas out there on how to "remember" your baby. I know with my first, we "found" him during the m/c and I buried him. It helped to feel it was real. Other ladies buy something, a memory box, etc... I hope you find something that makes sense for you. You have every right to mourn this baby.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about feeling foolish. Not so much for the ectopic, but in my other pregnancies, I kept beating myself up with things I said/ things I did thinking things were okay. And it hurt.
But I wasn't foolish and you weren't either. What I realized was those were my only tangible memories of the baby- as it was too early for anything else. And reliving those memories is what made it so hard.
With my ectopic, it was a similar thing with our jobs- things were lined up perfectly and a pregnancy with my best friend to boot. Those are now other losses I must mourn. It sucks, is all I can say about it. And I know I wasn't even as far along as you were. Thinking about your maternity shirts makes me want to cry and makes me feel very bitter at the world for all the loss dropped on our little community as of late.
Get this all out Rebecca, there is just so much inside. I am here if you ever need to talk/ vent.
Ps- I have been thinking about a tattoo to remember my losses.
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful that you know you weren't stupid to hope and believe that it was all real. No matter what anyone else thought your baby was very real and deserves to be memorialized. The ring sounds like a wonderful idea. I've been thinking about you so much and I wish I could give you these {{{HUGS}}} IRL!
ReplyDeleteI wish, I wish I could be there for you, give you a gigantic hug and tell you how much I want to help you to make you feel better. The way you were bounding with your LO was the very right thing to do. You were excited and happy about him, and that is what mothers do for their little ones. You celebrated him and and in a way you will keep celebrating his existence. Having to loose him is eternally painful. Bonding with our babies in utero is so very different from any other relationships. That is something men will never understand until the actual birth. Feeling lost after the loss was exactly the way I have been feeling. We need time to mourn. We need time to understand and process the loss. We need time to physically heal.
ReplyDeleteAfter my first loss, I was suggested to talk to the baby. I wrote a letter. First, it was extremely painful, but later I realized it was a very good thing to do. It also helped my friends to realize how much the loss affected me and emotionally, how deeply I felt for my LO.
We are all here with you and behind you! Much love your ways.
Oh Rebecca, I wish I could help you through this, unfortunately I know that I probably don't have the right words to say. I would imagine though, you HAD to have hope and joy in your heart to continue on during your pregnancy. You want to believe that because you had never been pregnant before that you would have no reason to suspect you'd have problems staying pregnant. I felt the same way in those early weeks. The odds are 1 in 4 will miscarry - those are pretty damn real odds and they are horrific if you think about the reality. There was no way for you to know that he was gone.I wish I could give you a big hug. Sending you all my love.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you know deep down that what you're feeling is normal. Both the way you bonded with the baby and the way you're feeling now. Unfortunately the next time you get pregnant you'll likely be very guarded (or maybe I'm just speaking for myself).
ReplyDeleteI think doing something to memorialize the baby is a great idea. I've heard of a lot of people that plant a tree to have a 'living' memory.
Sending you all my love and support!
Oh sweetie. I've been having some of the same type of thoughts. It never really occurred to me that I would miscarry. Once I found out my baby was in the right place, I really thought everything was going to be fine. And especially after there was a heartbeat - never thought that anything bad would happen. I feel so stupid for thinking so positively. But I know that neither of us were stupid. We were hopeful, and we really thought that the only problems were getting pregnant, and we beat that, right?
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of getting a ring. I've been looking at buying myself a charm bracelet - blue nile has some nice ones. Or pandora or something. I want to get a charm for my ectopic, and for my miscarriage baby. I also think of my baby as a boy... But I also want to get a couple other charms on there. One for my wedding. And something else - not sure. And I plan to get additional charms for my future children. Oh that's hard to think about - future children.
The other thing I plan on doing is making a small scrapbook to put a few things that I've collected over this pregnancy. I have some ultrasound pictures, and a picture of the things I gave the hubs when I told him I was pregnant. And a couple gifts I received. And then I have the cards I received when I had the miscarriage, in addition to the picture I took of the flowers I received.
This grieving process is so hard, isn't it? Don't feel bad about losing days - I definitely lost a few right after the miscarriage. It will have been 2 weeks tomorrow, and it is better now that it was before. Not that it's great, but listen to me when I say it gets easier.
Sending you a huge hug!!!
Sweetie, I was so happy for you and I've been out of the loop and just read this. I don't even know what to say. The lives we all lead are filled, it seems, with either joy or pain. And no in-between. Know that you are surrounded by women who love you and will listen to anything you need to say to get through this. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteWhen I miscarried last year, I felt so alone and betrayed and utterly desolated. I know now that this is just the tip of the iceberg a m/c brings about, but I was also a bit frustrated that my husband was not showing the same emotions.
ReplyDeleteI did not do anything special afterwards. No necklace, no ring, no ritual, no leaf pressed in a book. Nothing. I did not have the energy. And yet, even though I am 34w pg now, I realise that those days are perfectly intact in my mind. I remember everything, accurately. The day I was told there was no heartbeat any more. The day of the D&C. The days after that. It does not hurt less, but now I think I got used to the pain.
There is nothing in this world that could make you forget. And there is nothing in this world that could take away that perfect feeling of thinking about your baby, even though he left too early. He was real, even if it seems that he was only for you. And you were, are and forever will be his mother.
You need to take your time and mourn this loss. And after a while you will see the fog of the desolation lifting somehow, and you will get used to life going on around you and stop wondering how it is possible for the world to still turn round when it was robbed of such a sweet little soul. You will never forget. And we will never forget right along with you.
Big hugs. Thinking of you.
Mina
I'm sorry about your loss. I think you are absolutely right in wanting to mourn and remember your baby. Maybe you can put together a memory box with pictures or some of your thoughts of him.
ReplyDeletethinking of you
((Hugs))
I felt the same way when I found out at my 9 week ultrasound that the baby had stopped growing around week 7. I resented that my body didn't figure it out, and then resented the healing process after the d&c. Like Alex said, once we saw a heartbeat we relaxed, even knowing that's not much of a security blanket. It's so frustrating that just getting pregnant isn't enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you a lot and sending good thoughts and hugs your way.
Oh hon - I am so very sorry. I too had a missed miscarriage and as women and mothers - we question how in the world we didn't know our own baby had passed. I battled low hcg numbers in the beginning but they were tripling so I was told I would be fine. My baby was due on the 7 year anniversary of my mother's death that followed the death of my father, bff and last grandparent. I NEVER thought I would m/c. I just knew that I deserved the happiness that a baby would bring. I just didn't think life could be so cruel. I say all of this b/c I truly can relate to every thing you've said. It sucks. It hurts. And I'm so very sorry you ever had to know the pain of it all. You are in my prayers. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Rebecca. You're living a nightmare and I wish there was something I could say or do to help. Your post has me in tears. I wish I could hug you right now.
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing the right thing to want to remember and memorialize your baby. He was real and he was a real part of you and always will be.
((hugs)) and thinking of you...
I agree with the others that doing something to memorialize your baby sounds like a wonderful idea.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I wish I could give you a giant hug!
Thinking of you.
I think anyone TTC, especially after failing to get pregnant for a long time or after suffering losses, feels afraid to hope to somehow slip into a normal, healthy, successful pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteYet, we hope. A part of us thinks we have a perfect, uneventful pregnancy story destined for us but, like an old record player, the needle is stuck and, when it finally slips into position, things will finally play out smoothly.
When they don’t, we feel like a fraud. Well, I guess the real truth is, like anything else in life, good and bad things happen pretty randomly, so it is perfectly rational to expect things to go right sometimes.
I understand the fear of hoping – that’s one thing that made receiving our diagnosis a bit more tolerable, losing the monthly pain of hope and disappointment.
But hope is a good thing and you should appreciate your LO for that wonderful, albeit fleeting feeling he gave you. It was real. You were pregnant. No matter how well things go from now on (and you know how much I want them to go well for you), this will be a part of you and I hope, in time, it won’t just seem a bad, painful memory, but also something precious, bittersweet.
OK, I’ll shut up now and give you a huge virtual hug.
(( ))
There's nothing foolish about assuming your pregnancy would continue normally -- because most of them do! And your baby is as real to all of us as he is to you, for whatever small comfort that is. You were an expectant mother; it completely makes sense.
ReplyDelete