I guess my body made a different decision

I miscarried spontaneously last night. It appears my body knew when it was time.

I'll warn you now that this is going to be a long one and have details you may not want to read.  I just need to get it all out somewhere for my own sanity.

We drove down for our u/s appointment yesterday afternoon. It was incredibly comforting. The tech was one who I've gotten to know well over the past year and she was kind and thorough and explained to us what she was seeing and what was going on. She was training a student so she was able to direct the student who was doing the scanning but stand next to me and look right at me to talk to me and show us things on the screen and touch my knee (which is very comforting) while she talked.  I told her what had happened before and she could actually talk about it all with sympathy and understanding and sadness for us.  We were able to have a last look at our little one and it actually made me feel better about everything. The embryo was about 7w4d. The gestational sac, on the other hand, had continued to grow and was around 11 weeks (I should have been 12 weeks today).  Which is why my body kept thinking it was pregnant and why I had no change in symptoms.  I don't know why, but seeing the fetus made me feel at peace.  It was so different from the early view we saw that it made me feel better.  I could see the head and it had arm buds and leg buds and was just so still.  I guess it was the first time I really connected to it as a baby which is incredibly sad but oddly seems to make me feel better. 

She wasn't the one who did my initial scan 5 weeks ago, so I asked her about it.  I'd always been worried about it because it didn't seem as strong as I hoped it would be.  The sac was measuring 6w6d (which was exactly how far along I was) but the embryo was measuring 6w2d or 3d and that worried me a bit (especially after my initial issues with the betas) but no one else seemed concerned.  Also, the h/b was only 112 which was on the low side for almost 7 weeks, but, again, no one else there seemed worried and they released me to the OB.  The tech yesterday seemed to think that each of those things on their own were within the range of normal but, taken all together, at least warranted a repeat scan in a week to see if things had caught up.  She's been doing this for 23 years, so I guess she's seen all possibilities.  The doctor didn't seem concerned, obviously, so I guess it was all within the range of normal and, in most cases, would probably have worked itself out.  In retrospect, they obviously should have offered me a second scan, but I can't fault them for not doing so.

There was a brief moment of levity that I think we all needed.  Did you know that they can insert the vaginal probe upside down?  I didn't, and, apparently the student didn't either.  And, it just made us laugh when the tech was trying to figure out what was wrong with the screen.

After the scan we talked to the nurse (and, let me say, I take back anything negative I've ever said about her -- she couldn't have been more empathetic and comforting -- maybe she's just not good on the phone).  We set up everything for the D&C and got a list of prescriptions to fill.  We left and decided to walk around the mall for a bit just to have something to do.  Around 4 o'clock I started having stronger cramps and, by 4:30, I was cramping so much I thought I might pass out.  We went back to our hotel and I spent about an hour writhing on the bed trying to find a position that would relieve the pain a bit.  Nothing did.  I can only believe that I must have been having contractions as my uterus tried to get rid of everything. 

Finally, at about 5:30 I went to the bathroom and (sorry, TMI alert) started passing lots of blood and tissue.  And, that pretty much went on for about 4 1/2 hours.  I can't even describe how much it hurt and what and how much I passed (and I don't think I really want to).  My DH was wonderful throughout and spent about an hour trying to locate the doctor on call to ask him if I should still plan on taking the meds for the procedure the next day.  I just wasn't sure if they'd want to complete the process or what.  And, I didn't want to take the meds if I didn't need to because I've taken that combo before (when I had a hysteroscopy in December) and it knocked me out for three days.  When my DH was talking to a nurse who was trying to decide if we needed to talk to the doctor she asked him "is she filling more than a pad an hour" and we both just had to laugh.  I think I was filling a pad a minute at that point.  Yeah, we're not wondering if I'm having a miscarriage, we're wondering what to do next! 

So, after a rough night, I went in this morning and the tech did another u/s and saw that I'd passed the sac and fetus but still had a very thick lining.  (I truly can't imagine how that is possible after last night.)  I talked to the doctor afterward and he said we could either do the procedure, still, or he could give me methergine to help my uterus squeeze down to release everything more quickly and he recommended the drug.  So, that's what I'm doing now. 

Everyone seemed to think it was a very good thing that my body did it on its own.  And, thinking about it as a past event and for what it means for the next several days and the future, I agree that's true.  Thinking about it as I was going through the m/c?  No, it wasn't.  That was the scariest, most painful thing I've ever experienced.  I can only be thankful that it didn't happen when I was at work or out somewhere and that I was prepared that it might happen.  I don't know how women go through that when they didn't know it was coming.  For those of you who have, I send my deepest sympathy.  I don't know how you get through that emotionally if you're not expecting it.

So, that's where we are.  I kind of feel like my body was holding on until we were ready to say goodbye.  The u/s with someone who was caring and kind and understanding gave us that.  The nurse and doctor today and yesterday were wonderful.  I can't say enough good things about them.  The doctor answered our questions with understanding and tried to explain what happened as much as anyone could.  I asked him why the sac might keep growing and he said that it is possible that the chromosomal issue might have been a type of mosaicism which could mean that part of the fetus was still sending out good signals.  His research is all in pregnancy loss (he's not my normal RE), so it was nice to hear his opinion.

Oh, and something else.  Yesterday on the way down to the RE's office, we stopped at Burger King for lunch.  The same place where we got my lucky Spider-man charm before my third IUI in February.  In the middle of my lunch, I looked up and saw a little boy playing with the exact same Spider-man toy from his kids meal.  I don't usually believe in signs, but I feel like it was Spider-baby saying goodbye.