I've made a decision

I've decided that the waiting is going to kill me.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop but it's a boot the size of my house and it's just hovering over me wherever I go.  People keep asking to schedule meetings and I don't know what to do.  A former student sent me a request for a letter of recommendation on Monday and then a second request on Tuesday saying "please let me know that you got this" and I just wanted to scream at him "I'm a little busy trying to expel my dead child from my womb right now, but I'll get back to you when I can!!!" (Sorry, that was a bit crass but I don't know how else to react right now.)  I'm cramping but I'm not bleeding anymore and I don't know how to wait for that to happen.  I'm just waiting for my body to do something but I don't think I can trust it anymore. 

So, I'm going to call my RE's office this morning and see if they can still schedule me for the D&C on Friday morning.  I hope they can because I think they're the only ones I want to deal with.  I think they have more experience with this and I feel like they're a better choice.  It almost feels like coming home at this point.  It's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 months since I've been down there.  Calling them on Monday was surreal.

I can't deal with my doctor here anymore.  My experience with him on Monday was not a good one.  After waiting for 30 minutes (with a really full bladder) at the hospital, I had to lie there while the u/s tech did her scan and said nothing. Utter silence.  I knew it wasn't good.  I know she's not supposed to interpret anything without a doctor around, but I kept thinking "surely she would say 'do you want to hear the h/b' if there still was one."  She spent 10 minutes jabbing at me and then sent me to empty my bladder halfway and then spent another 5 minutes jabbing in silence.  She said she had to go talk to the radiologist and my doctor and when she came back she said to go right over to my doctor's office.

At this point we knew it must be over but I had the tiniest glimmer of hope.  My DH says he had none at all.  I couldn't let it go, though.  So, we get to the doctor's office and sat down in the waiting room...for 20 minutes.  Watched multiple large pregnant women with toddlers go in.  Which is unusual for my doctor's office because he's family practice and usually there aren't quite so many pregnant women at once.  Then, they finally called us back. The nurse questioned me about the morning but claimed she didn't know anything about the u/s.  And then?  She left and we had to wait for another 20 minutes.  Really.  I'm sorry but if you're going to tell someone they've lost their child I'd like to think you could prioritize slightly over measuring yet another 30 week pregnant belly.  It took maybe five minutes for you to finally tell me.  You couldn't take five minutes?  The waiting was killing me.  My mind was going every direction.

Then he finally comes in, with an undergraduate pre-med student in tow and doesn't ask me if she can come in until she's already in the room.  I couldn't even figure out how to answer -- all I wanted was for him to tell me what was going on.  The nurse should have asked but I'm sure she assumed he wouldn't possibly bring her in to the room to tell me that kind of news.  I never wanted the damn undergrads in the room when you were telling me good news, why would I want them there to tell me bad news?  He then says, with a joking lilt in his voice, "so, how good of actors were they at the hospital?"  For a brief moment my heart soared -- obviously no doctor would be so callous as to make a joke if my baby was dead, right?  We said "they didn't say anything" and then he said "the sac is undersized and misshapen and there is no heartbeat, I don't like to have radiologists tell you something like that."  But, apparently you don't mind my waiting around surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their bellies after telling me to rush over to tell me something like that.  And, apparently you think it's all great to tell me something like that with a random college student standing in the corner wishing she could shrink into the wall.  Great, thanks.

So, yeah, we're moving on.

I think one of the worst parts of all of this right now is that I feel like I can no longer trust my body.  For at least three weeks it's been doing everything it could to convince me that I was still pregnant.  I was still starving all the time and nauseous if I didn't eat.  My breasts grew another cup size and were hurting so much I couldn't roll over at night (they stopped hurting yesterday).  Veins were popping up everywhere.  My stomach started to pop out even though I hadn't gained any more weight.  I keep thinking back and trying to believe that the baby was dead all that time -- and I really can't.  (I can't get Schrodinger's cat out of my head.)  I guess it is better to believe that my body was trying as hard as possible to hold on. 

Wow, this has gotten long.  And, there's more in my head.  I guess I just need to talk right now.  Thank you, again, for listening and being there.  My DH doesn't know how to deal with me right now.