Missed miscarriages can suck my ass

That's pretty much how I feel right now.

I really can't thank you all enough for your support.  For those of you who sent others here, thank you so much.  You're all wonderful and reading what you've written makes me cry but with a different kind of tears.  When my doctor was telling me yesterday that I should seek out women who had experienced this or find women who might understand all I could think was "well, at least I know that I already have that support system in place."  I don't know how someone would survive this without a group like you out there to lean on.

I'm kind of going back and forth between crying uncontrollably and staring at the wall.  Yesterday time kept passing and I didn't know how it happened.  

I'm cramping more but not bleeding much, now.  I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen.  I'm still not entirely sure what we've decided to do.  The RE essentially said they usually go with what the OB says.  The RE's nurse said that they could offer me the D&C if we'd like to do it there.  Actually she used the phrase "we'd be more than happy to do the D&C."  Who says that?!  I could tell halfway through "happy" that she was sort of choking on it realizing what she was saying. It wasn't my favorite nurse who called back -- I like her, but she's definitely not incredibly empathetic.  She always seems a little condescending.  I think she just doesn't know how to deal with the emotional side of IF (not great for a nurse who specializes in IF...).  And, she's the one who I watched grow giantly pregnant and go on maternity leave and come back while I was getting treatment, so not the best associations.  Honestly I wanted to talk to my favorite nurse -- the one who has cried with me and celebrated with me. 

I guess right now we've decided to see what happens this week and then, if nothing has moved forward, schedule a D&C for next week.  There's a timing issue here because one of my closest friends (she was my maid of honor) is getting married in California in 2 1/2 weeks and I can't imagine not making it but I obviously can't go there and miscarry on the flight or during the wedding.  I guess I may not have much choice about it.  But, if I can make it, I really want to. 

I feel like I'm treating this too practically.  I guess I'm not sure how else to deal with it.  Yesterday, as we were scheduling the u/s, I had to run around finding people to take over things for me in the afternoon at work.   I kept having to say I had an emergency and now have to tell a bunch of people who ask that "everything is OK" when it isn't because I don't want to tell them all what actually happened.  I posted a problem set on-line for my class in between sobs sitting on the sofa after the u/s.  I feel like I'm in a crappy little purgatory -- I'm miscarrying but I'm not actually miscarrying at the moment.  So, I feel like I need to do nothing and miscarry.  But, at the same time, if I just sit here and wait for it, I'll just keep obsessing over it.  Not like I'm not obsessing over it anyway, but I guess I need to be distracted.

Things I'm grateful for:

• I got pregnant.  It happened.  I said from the beginning that just the fact that we actually made it to pregnancy after 19 months of nothing was a miracle and made everything different.  It does.  It doesn't make this loss any easier.  But, it gives me some hope.  And, before this pregnancy I didn't have any of that left.
• I started bleeding yesterday.  That sounds weird but, if I hadn't, I wouldn't have had an emergency u/s and I would have driven 90 miles today for my NT scan thinking "of course everything is OK, stop worrying" and had the u/s tech have to tell me it wasn't.  I was afraid that would happen and I'm not sure how I would have handled it.  The only positive would have been that the u/s facility is right across the hall from my fertility clinic so they could have gotten my RE or one of the nurses.
• My DH is an incredible person who is always there for me.  He's processing this differently than I am but he loves me and hates that this has happened.  He hadn't been willing to be excited about the pregnancy really until we escaped the "danger zone" so he's not feeling it in quite the same way.  And, he's a ridiculously practical person so he's focusing on the future and the positive.  I know he's just not emotional, but I also know he's sad.  Just in a different way.
• My mother is always there for me.  She TTC'd for a year and had a very early miscarriage before she had me so she somewhat understands what I'm going through.  I hated having to call her last night.  She was so excited just the day before when we were talking about what comes next.  The pain and confusion in her voice almost did me in.
•  I have a support system of people who care about me and know what I'm going through. 

 So, now I wait and try to put on a happy face.  I just don't know what else to do right now.