I was doing OK. I really was. I was feeling better physically and I was focusing on my work which was helping me feel better emotionally. Last night, I took Erika's advice and I talked out loud to the baby. It made me cry but it made me feel better and more connected. So, I was feeling a little more "together" emotionally.
But then...
I ran into my boss in the hallway and he touched my elbow and told me how sorry he was and how he and his wife have been through this, too, and how hard it is to come back from it. It's sort of a weird situation that my boss knew we were pregnant. He's actually my boss's boss. No one else at work knew because we weren't ready for it to spread, yet. He's a good friend of my DH's and has been through secondary IF and a m/c. We had told him we were about to start IVF because I was going to need to take some time off. He happened to know very early on that I was pregnant (it was accidental that he found out). We'd also gotten a recommendation for a doctor from him (although, given the doctor's behavior, that didn't turn out so well...) So, my DH told him on Friday what was happening.
He was the only person in town who knew since everyone we know here we know through work. And, so, he was the only person besides my DH and medical personnel who have approached me about this in person. And, it just made me break down. It's one thing to talk about it on the phone, or by e-mail, or by blog post. But, having him touch me physically and look me in the eye just did me in. It was right before my class so I just picked myself up and moved on. But not in a very stable way.
And then...
I got an e-mail birth announcement for the second baby for a woman who used to work here. A picture of her smiling in her hospital bed with her husband and her newborn and her 1 1/2 year old. I didn't even know she was pregnant again.
Now I'm just hiding in my office hoping desperately that the 8 month pregnant woman working down the hall from me uses the elevator on the other side of the building today. I don't think I can handle anymore.
I guess that's just how it's going to be. Some days are good and some days are bad.
Oops, preggo just walked by. I think I'll go to lunch, now.
I'm so sorry. Just so so sorry. I wish I had the right words for your pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry hon! I do the same thing when going through painful situations, when confronted by someone giving me sympathy I break down. Maybe it's part of the greiving process...I don't know. Hope you were able to take some deep breaths at lunch and are feeling a bit more stable this afternoon {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteOh no! I am so sorry, Rebecca. I wish I could give you a hug. Hopefully there will be no more emotional triggers this afternoon. Tell those stupid babies and preggos to stay away.
ReplyDeletexo
Giant (((hugs))) to you, dear Twinnie. I am sorry your environment is not the most desirable for you right now:( that just sucks to be so heavily exposed to baby-related stuff at work. It sound like FB - IRL:(
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you broke down right before your class, but in a way it might be a good thing you have a person in your work environment who can understand, who went through the same and who can give you some support.
Thinking about you a lot and hope that the second part of your workday will pass mercifully.
It was so hard for me to go back to work after I had my MC. I was so excited that I had told EVERYONE that I was expecting, and fount it to be extremely hard to keep having to tell my coworkers that things didn't work out with that pregnancy. The icing on the cake was that my cousin was pregnant at the same time as we, we even shared due dates, so I had a constant reminder of how pregnant I was "supposed" to be. It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard, but it does get better eventually. Let your emotions out, I bottled mine in for the longest and finally exploded. It's still hard for me to see babies and pregnant women, even in my current situation.
I'm so sorry. These first few weeks are going to be really hard, sometimes you'll feel totally okay, other times the grief hits you like a ton of bricks and renders you immobile. Just keep on being good to yourself and take the time you need.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
I completely understand- I can talk about it here, even talk to a friend about it, whatever, but if someone comes up to me and tells me how sorry they are. I lose it. It's like it yanks me right back there. Uck, I am so sorry you have to be exposed to those other preggos/ fertiles/ what have you? I am so sorry. I am familiar with the going back and forth on emotions too, I think it's pretty normal. Thinking of you...
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) It took me 5 years to get pg with my DD, and now it has been another 5, a m/c, and years of doctor intervention hasn't gotten me that sticky baby. I just passed my due date last month of my angel baby and it is still hard to know I should have her/him in my arms.
ReplyDeleteAgain many ((HUGS))
I am sorry Rebecca. I imagine your sadness will well up when you don't want it too.
ReplyDeleteAvoid the preggo at all costs! And take care of yourself!
((hugs))
You're right...some days are worse than others. Sometimes, too, you'll think that you're doing well and then it hits you. I think it's so tough because we build up our defenses and try to be "tough" but then when one thing shatters that (your boss), well, it's bad.
ReplyDeleteIt probably doesn't make it any easier for you but I wanted you to know that I can relate.
Ugh, the sympathy. It's all so well-meaning, but it hurts, I know. And I hate to show my emotions to people outside my inner circle too, so that's just like salt in the wound. I'm so sorry that you can't take time away - I was lucky enough to work from home after my losses so I didn't need to deal with anyone face-to-face. I hope it gets better day by day.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. What a totally crappy day. I wish I could keep that pregnant lady away from you!
ReplyDeleteSending you loads of hugs!
I know how that feels -- just when you think you've got it together, something happens and you just fall apart. It's okay, you know. Sending you tons of hugs and love from the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteJo
I'm so sorry it was such a rough day. You're right, some day are better than others.... I'm with you on the sympathy thing, it's really hard for me to deal with too. Sending you hugs and hopes that tomorrow is a better day!!
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so sorry it was a rough day. I completely get losing it at something small and then hiding out. I'm sending you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry!! I am thinking of you and sending many hugs/positive thoughts that each day things get easier for you!!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the rough day. I'm sure there will be good days and bad - I just wish I could give you a hug on the bad days! Here's a big, huge virtual (((HUG)))
ReplyDeleteSorry for your hard day...I have to say that the "oh poor you" looks from people were the hardest for me to deal with. Hang in there and try to enjoy your long weekend. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry. Sounds like this was a really rough day.
ReplyDeleteI know it's always harder talking about these things in person. On the internet, we're a bit unattached and it's somehow easier to deal. In person, though, that shit just washes over you.
I hope things start getting easier soon.
I think this is so incredibly normal - and tough!!! I do the same thing - everything seems fine, and then all of a sudden, I am so NOT ok... Hang in there, Rebecca, and realize that we all have good and bad days.
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