One more day to wait

Tomorrow is the day.  I've scheduled the D&C with my RE's office for the day I would have been 12 weeks.  That just makes it feel worse somehow. 

Thank you to Lara and others for the suggestion to get an u/s beforehand.  I was thinking that I wanted to do that, but I felt odd about it.  But, I know it will make me feel better to do it.  Not that I think that there is any chance that there's a positive outcome from this, but I just feel like I need to say goodbye, I guess.  And, the u/s techs at my RE's office know me and are much better at dealing with these sorts of things.  Anyway, we'll drive down for an u/s this afternoon and, afterward, we'll fill out paperwork and get prescriptions filled for the D&C.  And, I really do feel better about having them do it since, unfortunately, they do this a lot.  Since the procedure is scheduled for early in the morning, we'll just stay overnight in a hotel after the appointment this afternoon.  

Yesterday I thought my body had decided to be done with this.  I had a lot of pain all morning and then some heavier bleeding and then it stopped again.  More pain and an incredibly heavy feeling in my abdomen all afternoon and evening, but no more bleeding.  I think that made me more certain that I need to do the D&C sooner rather than later -- I'm not sure how long I can deal with on and off pain and on and off bleeding waiting for something bigger to happen.

I'm still teaching through all of this.  Just saying that sounds ridiculous, but I don't know what else to do.  If I stay home right now, I'll just be waiting for it to happen and wallowing.  If I stay at school, I can refocus my brain and feel productive and like there's something else in my life.  I did have moments during my class yesterday where I thought "this is absurd."  Then I spent an hour trying to help a student after class and it felt good to work with her over the pain.  It was something I could do and something I had control over.  Of course, then I had to keep putting off colleagues for meetings and telling people I was unavailable.  I felt, all along, like they're just assuming I'm a giant slacker when I say that I have some personal issues I'm dealing with this week and can't work with them.  (And, let's face it, how many of them are thinking to themselves "she doesn't have any kids, what problems can she have?") I know I'm not a slacker -- I know I deserve to take the time -- but I don't want to tell them why and it makes it feel unjustified somehow. 

So, one more class today and then I'm leaving.  And, at this point, I haven't canceled my Monday class.  I'm going to wait until Sunday to see how I feel.  I know I should just cancel it, but it makes me feel worse automatically canceling it than it does waiting and doing it later if I need to.  I don't know why.  I guess I just don't want to lose control over the only thing left in my life that I feel confident in.  I love what I do and it makes me feel good about myself.  I don't want to get behind and feel worse about the class for the rest of the summer since it's the only positive thing I've got going right now. And, because it is a summer class, each class is a double class and there is no one around who could teach it for me (because anyone who is around is also teaching a class at the same time).  If I decide I can't do it, then I can't do it and I'm really OK with that.  But, I can't seem to let myself plan it that way. 

"Hi, my name is Rebecca, and I'm a work-a-holic."

Oh, thanks to all who were willing to collectively bitch-slap my doctor.  My DH called his office to cancel our appointment for next week and tell him that we were going to the RE's office for a D&C.  The doctor called later in the day and left a message questioning what we were doing.  I guess it is a good thing that he was concerned, but I just can't deal with him anymore and it made me question my decision which was NOT a good thing because my decision is good.  I hate breaking up with doctors.  And, in this town, it's a problem because I interact with him professionally occasionally and, if I get pregnant again, there's a decent chance he'd end up delivering me even if he wasn't my doctor.

Alrighty, so there are my meandering practical thoughts for the day.  Somehow it's easier to talk about them than to talk about the "why me" thoughts and the giant gray cloud that is hovering over me all day long.