I don't know why, but I've hit a really low point emotionally lately. I think it is the combination of starting back to school, my first BFN post m/c, the constant reminder of the new baby at work (the father keeps asking me for help with classes because he's overwhelmed and the mother has already come back to work and is the topic of conversation constantly) stress about my house, worrying about missing O this cycle (we're going to be traveling and staying at friend's houses and my DH isn't thrilled with secretly BD'ing on their floors...) and just general hormonal ickiness (it is CD9, after all, which always seems to be an emotionally low point for me). I've been essentially on the verge of tears (or actually crying) all the time for the past three days or so. I'm barely able to make it through classes and my other responsibilities at this point. I just don't seem to care about it at all right now.
To be honest, on Sunday night, I couldn't picture ever being happy again. For those who have been through depression, you know that feeling. The logical part of your brain knows that it isn't true. Knows that there are wonderful things to be done. Knows that, no matter how bad things feel right now, you are incredibly lucky. You have friends and family who love you and care for you. You have a life that is the envy of many. But, at that moment, it doesn't matter. You just wish you didn't have to think anymore. You can't picture why you should bother getting up in the morning. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better. You just don't care.
I've hit this stage before, but it has been a while. My DH has never seen me this bad (the last time it was this bad was about 6 years ago and we've been together for 5). And, I'm very good at putting on a "happy" front, so I'm not sure anyone else even knows what is going on. It's just not a good moment.
I've put in a call to my RE's office to see if they can recommend a therapist who has experience with women going through IF. I haven't been to a therapist since I moved to Missouri 8 years ago but I saw one regularly when I still lived in Atlanta. There is only one decent one I know of in my tiny little town and she's the wife of a colleague who I know socially and is the counselor to at least three people I know -- I just don't feel comfortable with her. It occurred to me that if I'm willing to drive 90 miles for fertility treatments, I should be willing to drive 90 miles for my mental health. So, I'm hoping my RE has some good recommendations. Because I'm in a bad spot and I need some help. And, I know it's a good thing that I'm reaching out. So, hopefully that means that I at least realize it can get better.
Meanwhile, there's plenty to distract me at work and I'm utterly exhausted from all of it. But, I'm going to put on a smile and be the happy, chipper Rebecca everyone knows.
:( Oh poor girl. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now, and not only being sad but dealing with a dark place. Hopefully you will find a therapist that can help but in the meantime, just dump here, we're not therapists but we certainly can relate or pass on our support.
ReplyDeleteI hit a low point for me about 5 years ago as well, first time it had ever happened to me and it scared the shit out of me. I found that pretending I was okay, only made the times when I didn't have to pretend that much worse so it was like a rollercoaster rather than just a sad spell.
Love to you.
This post made me sad, because I can tell how sad and completely overwhelmed you're feeling. I wish you didn't have to feel like this. But I understand what it's like to hit a bad spot. We've all been there. I'm glad you are seeking therapy. I can honestly say that it's one of the best things I've ever done since we stopped treatment. It's slowly helping me get back to normal and back on track. I hope you can find a therapist who understands what you're going through and can provide that extra support.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always. xo
I'm so sorry that you are so down right now. I hope that you can find the right person for therapy.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, we're all here to listen to you!
Damn you, CD9! I'm sending you loads of hugs and I hate to hear that you are having to endure so much crap right now!
Oh, I so have been there...very recently. And it is a good sign that you know you need help. Do what you need to get better. Big hugs, sweetie. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteThe bad spots are always hard. I am sorry you are finding yourself in one right now. I think finding a therapist is a great idea, I should follow your lead.
ReplyDeletePre-O can be an emotional time, hang in there. I am here for you!
I'm so sorry everything is overwhelming {{{HUGS}}} I have fought depression at times and can clearly remember a handful of nights, spent crying on the floor of the shower that I felt just as you described. You're so smart to go talk it through with someone, I hope it really helps.
ReplyDeleteOh, I feel your pain. I suffered from depression before being married and I have found depression tendencies resurfacing as I battle infertility. I get in this "funk," as I describe it where I feel on the verge of crying, much like yourself. Putting on that happy front can be so draining. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the excitement a colleague has in their new baby and I'm sorry for the possibility of missing out in trying to conceive this month. I'm sorry for so much and my heart goes out to you. You just have to try and know that there will be silver lining to this dark cloud of infertility. Someday, you will have your baby! You just have to remember that. Maybe that thought will get you through the day. :) And then, when you have your precious newborn, your colleague's baby will be older and THEY will be jealous of YOU and your little one. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling low. It stinks when the rational part of you knows you have a good life, but the emotional part is just miserable no matter what. I'm glad that you are seeking counseling. I've thought it about it before, but then thought I didn't want yet another cost.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. It just sucks.
Oooh, Twinnie! I wish I could give you a big hug in IRL now. I am so sorry you feel down:( this whole journey sucks like nothing else.
ReplyDeleteIt might be a good idea to ask the RE's office for a referral to somebody who could help you to cope. I did that, and the specialist I found is great! she is dpoing way more for me, than what I originally expected from her. I am glad I reached out.
I am soooo hoping the clouds will soon leave your house. You deserve to be happy.
Much love your ways, Twinnie!
Sweet, sweet lady, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It can and will get better (and I know you know that), and I predict that the reaching out and finding someone to talk to will be huge. I took a few years off from therapy several years back, and getting back in there with someone new at a low time made an enormous difference. I adore her and haven't looked back since. Sending hugs and love.
ReplyDeletexo
lp
Rebecca, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I know the pain you described and it's just horrible. I'm glad that you've made steps to see a therapist; that could be very helpful for you. Are there any support groups in your area?
ReplyDeleteI wish there were more I could say. (((HUGS)))
And teachers can't just show up at work, close the door to their office and distract themselves with quiet tasks all day. We have to talk, smile, help, and field questions, sometimes with hundreds of people, in a single day. It's so tough. I think your plan to see a therapist who specializes in IF is a fantastic idea and I really hope it helps! I also second the idea of joining a RESOLVE support group, if you have one in your area. I joined one and it has helped so so much. Lots of hugs to you, girl! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry you're feeling this way. Yes, I know the feeling of depression - very well. Once it got so bad I spent a few days in a hospital - about 7 years ago. I got so good at putting the "front" on that everybody was real surprised when I finally lost it. It's so mentally and physically exhausting to act as if everything is fine, because it isn't.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very proud of you for reaching out to get help. Therapy, if you can find someone good, is so amazing. My insurance company has a way to search therapists by specialty, and one of the specialties is infertility. I called her up, asked her how this is one of her specialties, and she told me about her own infertility. She gets it, and for me, that's very important. Even people that haven't been through it can be helpful, but make sure they've treated infertile patients before.
Thinking of you sweetie - depression is awful. It can take everything from you. Yes, I know the feeling of wondering if you'll ever be happy again. I promise you, yes you will be happy again, but right now you need to take care of you.
Hugs to you!
I wish there was something I could do or say...no one deserves to feel this way. I have been here, too. You might also want to try a Life Coach. I know it sounds weird, but they really help you to focus on the things you can do and change. Insurance might not cover that one, but it's a possibility...I hope that your hormones settle down (I get the "everyone hates me" feeling on CD20, personally) and you get back to feeling better. I like to focus on my kids at school, too. Revel in the silliness that they bring to your life, and they joy that they have for the simplest of things. I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you're feeling down. :( i know how hard it is when the darkness invades your workspace -- for me, work was my "safe" place -- where i could go and it had nothing to do with TTC..it was a completely separate world. and then i got pregnant & miscarried, and the worlds collided and blended. and it was SO difficult to go to work after that...because my safe place wasn't safe anymore. i had to tell my two bosses & two friends at work about the whole thing, and then i felt that i couldn't separate the two any more. :( and i hated that.
ReplyDeleteand you know what? it WILL get better. *hugs*
HUGE HUGSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I'm sorry to hear this, but I hope you'll find a suitably GREAT therapist that would help you get through this.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you're feeling that way, but I think it's fantastic that you've decided to seek help. That can never hurt.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time commenting on your blog, btw. I just started following yesterday.
I agree with Alex. It is very difficult for people to understand what we're going through, and more often than not, they'll end up saying the wrong thing. That's why it's important to seek out a therapist who has dealt with infertility patients before.
Best of luck to you.
I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now, but I think that it's a huge step that you are seeking out a therapist and especially trying to find one with some experience with IF. I found that it was really really helpful to have someone to talk to who could both validate how lousy I was feeling and help me with tools to feel better.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you a big hug!
Of all the blogs I am following right now, I have to admit I understand and connect with yours the most. I might not have the same story but I understand the depression feelings and the happy front attitude you have to put on for the world. My heart goes out to you. I hope your are able to get a good recommendation and find a good person to talk to soon. I hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel for you.
ReplyDeletesending hugs
Oh, Rebecca. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You've had it rough over the last few months, though, so don't feel ANY guilt about being depressed. You are working through some pretty heavy stuff right now and your feelings are not only normal but HEALTHY. I think finding a therapist is an excellent idea. You need someone who can guide you through your emotions in a constructive way and a way that will eventually lead you out of your depression. Try to be strong and know that we are all here for you.
ReplyDeleteyou know I've been going through the same kind of feelings lately so I feel like I can sort of relate. While I've always been happy to have 'met' our group on TTCYFC it also makes me sad because so many of us live so far away from each other. I wish I had someone like you to see IRL, and then I probably wouldn't have to feel like seeking mental health treatment. It's just so tough when it seems like everyone else around you is so oblivious to the fact that IF is real and it hurts more than anything. I know it's not much, but I'm always here for you in the blogging world, and I give you HUGE (((hugs))) too.
ReplyDeletegiant (((HUGS)))!!! I think all of us have been where you are at some point, & it hurts me to see you so sad. I hope that you get an excellent therapist! Please know that we are all here for you, & care about you more than you know!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. This process is so exhausting and endless isn't it? I hope your RE recommends a great therapist, it makes such a difference having someone who is used to dealing with IF patients so I hope you find some great support soon. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot and I completely understand why you'd choose travelling 90miles over your local therapist. Even though they are sworn to secrecy you still have to feel comfortable enough to trust them.
ReplyDelete((((Hugs))))
i'm so sorry you're feeling so down... IF is exhausting and i hope you can get in to see a good therapist. i think that somewhere along the way through IF struggles, we forget to take care of ourselves... i'm happy to see that you're attempting to do so.
ReplyDelete