...in search of good times and good news, with good friends you can't lose, this could become a habit!
(undying love and 70s/80s bonding to anyone who knows what that's from...)
So, yep, we're moving on again. AF showed up yesterday afternoon right on time. It's so stupid because I knew the witch was coming (my temps were dropping and I was crampy) but I couldn't help but keep that small bit of hope -- I wasn't spotting, maybe this was the same as last time?? I think I enjoyed the irony of the BFP while on a down cycle waiting for an IVF consult so much that I was hoping that I could continue that irony and get pregnant on the "first try" after taking so long before. Ah, well.
So, it is back to waiting to O. And, of course, feeling like a hormonal, crampy, depressed bitch during the first week of school is always fun! Whoopee! What a fun reminder of where I thought I would be this week and where I'm not! Yay! This is awesome and cool!
Seriously, if anyone out there has some tips for how to NOT focus on what SHOULD have been, I'd really appreciate it. I keep trying to ignore all the "shoulds" becuase I know this is just making it worse, but I can't seem to do it. It isn't as bad as when I first miscarried -- I sometimes have to do the math to figure out where I would have been -- but I still can't help myself from doing the math every so often.
Today is the freshman welcome day that I've been dreading. The whole department will introduce themselves and tell their hobbies. Every one of them will mention their kids -- we're expecting, we just took them to college, they're driving now, they just started pre-K, we're changing diapers, etc. The preggo that I hate is now past her due date so she'll probably be waddling in along with her husband and they'll talk about how their hobby is waiting to give birth at any moment while playing with their 18 month old. I'll try to come up with a hobby that doesn't include monitoring my body for twinges or counting where I "should" be. I'll try not to think about my cramps. I'm skipping the rest of the evening's activities but I can't skip this part.
My first classes are on Friday. And, yeah, I had calculated many, many months ago that I would be exactly 21 weeks the day classes started. So, I can't get that one out of my head.
Ok, so this wasn't supposed to be a whining, sympathy-seeking post. I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to the next go around.
Oh, and thanks to all those who commented on my house-hate post. We went sofa shopping this weekend and are still working on the kitchen idea. It also all lead to some more good honest emotional talks between my DH and me. And, that never happens (he claims that he isn't hiding his emotions, he just doesn't have any...), so that is a good side effect of all of this.
Damn. I'm sorry about AF, Rebecca. I'm right behind you. I started cramping this afternoon, and even though I wasn't expecting a BFP, it doesn't mean I wasn't hoping for one. And I know what you mean about student intros. We just had to do those for my grad school class. Only we had to create homepages. Of course, EVERYONE'S page has info and pictures about their kids. So I put I was infertile on mine. Bitter, party of one.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))) I hope this week isn't as bad as you expect.
Sorry about AF...always such a shitty day when she arrives. I hope the new school year has great things in store for you. Good luck with the introductions, hope it isn't too bad.
ReplyDeleteI know it's the Muppets moving Right along! Love it. I LOVE the muppet movie. I have that song on my road trip mix.
ReplyDeleteThat fun aside, so sorry to hear about AF. :(
I am trying to think of some easy advice to put here to not keep working on shoulds. But I think that's a taller order than I can put in a comment. I can say it's something I've worked on with clients often in counseling. I would say try working on eliminating the word should for now and focus more on the feeling you have at the moment. If you are angry/ sad etc.. but drop the word should and try explaining how you feel in other words. It might help. But, there are an awful lot of embittering shoulds with IF, for sure.
Oh, something else, look into Mindfulness meditation/ stuff by Jon Kabat Zinn. Helps with focusing in the here and now and not what is past or what is future.
Opportunity knocks once
ReplyDeleteLet's reach out and grab it
Together we'll nab it
We'll hitchhike, bus, or yellow-cab it
(Cab it?)
So sorry AF has made an appearance. That just plain sucks. Glad you got got to go sofa shopping, and especially that you and DH got to engage in some good conversation. (((Hugs)))
Sometimes when I'm writing from my phone, I can't see what I'm typing when it's farther down in a comment, and so I double-type words. I do hate typoing...
ReplyDelete-lp
That really blows...I always hold out hope that one of us will get the miracle BFP during our down months - you deserve it. Enjoy the first week of students if you can.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for AF showing, I was hoping right along with you....
ReplyDeleteAs far as the whole milestones thing I wish I had advice for you but unfortunately I still calculate how old my baby would be (a year in about two weeks...) so I'm a bad example! I will tell you I do it less frequently than right after the m/c. Sending huge (((HUGS))) your way!
I am right behind you, CD1 is about to commence. I am sorry. You have a right to feel annoyed and bitchy and whatever else comes up.
ReplyDeleteI can't speak to how not to get stuck on the where you would have been but maybe you can try to embrace where you are now? You are a confident, successful teacher with a loving husband! Surely there are things to celebrate. You are interesting and have hobbies other than boasting about your offspring, right? Maybe you can take tonights opportunity and talk about how much you love sleeping in, spending money on yourself and doing things on a whim...or not, I can be a little passive agressive, sorry.
Good luck with the students.
((hugs)).
I'm sorry! What an awful time for AF to show up.
ReplyDeleteSorry the witch showed. It's so hard to not focus on the "shoulds." Someone mentioned John Kabat Zinn. I'm reading one of his books right now and it helped me through my own recent Day 1. Of course I held onto the mindfulness and acceptance for about a day, and then became bitter and "shouldy" through Days 2-6. But hey I'll take any small moment of peace. Good luck your first week back.
ReplyDeleteok, that's an easy one -- it's from the muppet movie. :-)
ReplyDeleteI have no good suggestions for you -- your brain won't really be dissuaded anyway, but I hope that once this "getting to know you" part is done and you get busy again with school, that the busy will be enough to keep you from thinking to what might have been.
Sorry it's such a shitty time, and good luck!
When AF showed up after we tried for the first time following a miscarriage I was DEVASTATED! I felt like I needed the BFP to help me heal. It sucked, and I was angry, no furious! The good thing is that you're expressing how you feel, I had a hard time with that and it didn't help at all. Fingers crossed for you!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about AF - I was really hoping one of us would have a BFP this cycle...
ReplyDeleteI have no idea how to stop the "should have been xx weeks" thoughts, or "should have a serious belly by now" or ... No, it's not as bad as right after the miscarriage, but it still sucks - so bad. I never killed off my babyzone account, so anytime I really want to torture myself, I go to that website. Then I can know how many weeks, how many days! Oh, good times...
Anyway, I hope the start of classes, and being busy with them is good for you. Will be thinking of you on Friday. 21 weeks - that's tough.
What timing, AF, really. Boo on you.
ReplyDeleteBut yay for sofa shopping! That is fun times! And I am glad that you got Hubby to open up...it can be SO hard, I know.
Try to focus on school...those kids are all about now and the near future, perhaps you can pick up some of that vibe.
HUGS
The shoulds are really, really, really freaking hard. I was somehow able to pretty quickly erase my memory of how far along the pregnancy would have been. I stopped counting weeks right after it happened, and a few weeks later, I didn't know any more. I basically thought of myself as eternally 7 weeks pregnant until my due date, when it all hit me again like a ton of bricks.
ReplyDeleteAnd now seeing tiny little newborns out in the summer sun kills me. I wonder if it will be 1-year-olds that do it next summer. Or if I'll have forgotten that too. I don't think I will have.
Don't worry about whether or not this is a whiny post - IF sucks, and this is the ideal place to express your feelings about it. I wish you all the best of luck in your next cycle!
ReplyDeleteYuck, yuck, yuck. I'm sorry. I know how you feel and it just sucks.
ReplyDeletei understand what you mean about thinking where you would have been (and sometimes you can't help but think where you *should* have been)....and i'm not sure how to get around that.
ReplyDeleteone thing that my husband and i did that really helped me was that we went out and bought a rememberance tree and put it in a pot (so if we move we can take it with us) - it's a little lime tree and it sits out on our front porch...and it actually makes me feel content when i look at it everyday. it makes me remember that we had something beautiful and we lost it, but there's a solid reminder of it that is positive. i don't know...i find it hard to explain, but it's helped.
i just try to ignore everything else about dates. all i know is that the 7th of january is going to be a really difficult day. :(
GRRRR!!! I'm so dissapointed the hag showed up!! Hang in there, here's hoping once all the touchy feely first week stuff is done it will be smooth sailing at school!
ReplyDeleteI hate seeing the hag even if I know she's coming. I'm fully expecting her to show right in time for my vacation. b*tch! Wish I had a good suggestion for a way to duck out of freshman meet&greet. That sucks! Yuk that they make you do that. Hope the hag is on her way out before you know it!
ReplyDeleteOh, girl. I'm so sorry about AF. I hope your first classes go well on Friday and that The Muppets continue to put a smile on your face! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI love that tune! Which is good, because now it's going to be stuck in my head. All. Day.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised your dept talks about kids to new students. That's weird to me. We talk about our research. That's gonna be a drag - my sympathy. Our students move in this Friday.
Ugh, I'm sorry, doll. Mine should be joining yours anytime now.
ReplyDelete