It is CD 11 and we're "trying" again.
Can I just say how weird it is to be back in this place? Waiting. Wondering. Worrying. Uh...wobbling? (I was liking the "W" words.) Back to waiting to O. Back to watching (ooh, there's a good "W") every sign and worrying that we're going to miss it. It feels like it's been years since we did this. I haven't sat in bed counting on my fingers to figure out what cycle day it is since April. And, that cycle was so crazy with traveling and the end of the school semester and reading scary IVF packets and assuming that it couldn't happen that I don't really remember it so well -- there was temping and OPKs and timed BD'ing, but it was out of desperation. Before that? It had been since October of last year that we had an un-medicated, un-monitored, totally on our own cycle. And, that was only because the cycle was canceled due to Clomid-induced giant cysts. Which was after a cycle that was canceled because of Clomid-induced thin lining. Which was after a cycle that was canceled due to Clomid-induced giant cysts. Which was after our first Clomid cycle. Which was after an HSG (Eek! Scary, horrible, painful flashbacks!!!) cycle that showed a blocked tube and started this whole "maybe we do need help" business.
So, really? It has been since June of last year that I had a completely unmonitored, no doctors involved, "hey, maybe we could get pregnant, other people do" cycle.
It's weird, really. That's all I can say about it. I don't know what to think. I'm vaguely excited to get started again. I'm nervous because part of me keeps assuming we'll get pregnant this cycle and I'm really trying to squash that part so I'm not so disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'm hormonal -- it is definitely getting towards O time. I'm feeling constant reminders that I am decidedly not pregnant anymore. I'm anxious that I'll O late and we'll be exhausted trying to BD enough to catch it. I'm anxious that I'll O early and we'll miss it altogether because we're just not "into" BD'ing enough anymore to get started early enough to catch it. I'm missing monitoring and IUIs where I didn't have to be the one who was keeping track of all of this. I'm tempted to use the 5 month old expired trigger shot I have in my fridge once I start having strong enough O pains just to feel like I'm doing something. I'm sad we're here -- I can't stop thinking about what we've lost. I'm happy we're here -- I'm glad it's finally time to move forward and I can do something about trying to get pregnant again instead of just constantly waiting and feeling like time is just passing me by.
It's just weird.
GL Rebecca! I know how hard yet exciting it is to start TTCing again after a loss. I'll be sending you lots of P&PTs that you get another natural miracle. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot of emotions...but still exciting. Try to enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteOh this is so true. You put it so well. It's good to be getting back on that horse again...
ReplyDeleteGood luck during O time - I think I'm only 3 days ahead of you...
I think a ton of emotions come with TTC. I wish you the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget the Wishing w-word! I remember how scared, nervous and excited I was to start trying again after our loss.... 'Wishing' you all sorts of good luck and a 'natural' BFP!!!
ReplyDeleteI am excited that you are jumping back into the TTC game! I can relate to the mix of emotions it stirs up. I am sending you positive thoughts, have some fun along the way too :)
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you, on my first cycle back after the loss (there seem to be a lot of us in this situation this month). I feel all of those emotions and the weirdness of it all. We haven't tried on our own since November. I'm just trying to have lots of sex and not get my hopes up too much. It feels great to be moving forward again instead of stuck in time.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you this month :-D
Sending you lots of luck for this natural cycle! I'm praying this happens quickly for you!
ReplyDeleteConflicted emotions are totally understandable. I'm wishing you TONS of luck for a natural cycle BFP to come quickly!
ReplyDeleteYou went through so much, Rebecca! I can totally relate to your mixed emotions. It may just take some time to get warmed up to the idea and get excited about baby-making again.
ReplyDeleteI am so hoping you will get your well- and long-deserved BFP very soon!
So get to work, Girl!!! it's O time soon. Yay!!!
It's bittersweet. Bitter that the loss happened and sweet that we get another chance. Wishing you luck always...
ReplyDeleteit's like each cycle is an emotional roller coaster. As always I'm pulling for only the best for you!
ReplyDeleteHave fun doing it old school!
ReplyDeleteEvery month is like a fresh opportunity for hope and pain, all jumbled together. I understand how disorienting it must be to be in this place, but I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteYou've captured the swirl of emotions so beautifully. If you can't bear to hope, I'll do lots of hoping for you.
ReplyDeleteHi there. Found you while trolling Secret Sloper's blogroll. I'm there in the same back-in-the-game boat with you and AL, trying again for the first time after a loss (we got our BFP on your sad 6/21, but an u/s on 7/6, despite nicely doubling betas not long before, revealed that nobody was home). Let's all start paddling! We can do this thing. Right? This time? Sending (((hugs))) and positive thoughts and deep breaths at returning to the possibility of both exhilaration and heartbreak.
ReplyDeleteIt's a weird place to be in, you're right.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry it's super weird. But I'm hoping and praying it wont be weird for much longer.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I always got so nervous on our "natural" cycles, especially because I could O as early as CD12 and as late as CD21. I was always afraid that I'd either miss it or that we'd be so exhausted by the time it came around that we'd still miss it! It was always a relief when I got to the 2ww. For the first week anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo, yeah, you're back on the crazy train!! I think you'll do fine, you just have to take it one day at a time. Best of luck!!
You can do this! It will be worth it!
ReplyDelete