Where do we go next?

Thanks for all the anniversary wishes! :)  I alternate between "how has it already been two years" and "wow, it's only been two years?"  We went out to a new restaurant in town on Monday (yummy) and just hung around at home watching TV afterward.  I have a cold, so I've been less than interested in doing anything in the evenings other than plopping on the couch.


My cold has also made lecturing interesting -- my voice slowly goes away in the course of a class.  Luckily I had a bit of a break between classes today and refreshed a bit.  It is pretty much gone all together now and I'm just squeaking.

Anyway, my DH and I talked a lot this weekend about where we go from here.  Well, I talked and attempted to get him to share his feelings.  He tends not to want to tell me how he feels because he doesn't want to upset me and really does want to do whatever I choose because he knows it is harder for me than him.  I almost feel like I was trying to brew up a fight.  Not exactly, but I just wanted him to say how he really felt about it all.


This is our third cycle trying since the m/c in June (4th overall cycle post-m/c).  Personally, I'm pretty convinced that there is no hope for us getting pregnant on our own.  This makes NO sense whatsoever -- we got pregnant on our own in April -- but it's where my mind is.  I think that we have maybe a 3% chance each month (if that) on our own.  It just feels like the odds of this happening soon are against us.  And, I guess I'm just terrified that it will take another 20 months.  The thought of it taking that long scares me on multiple levels.  First, will my sanity last that long? (I'm afraid of the answer to this one.)  Second, is my ovarian reserve just getting worse and worse?  (My last FSH test was a year ago and it was 12 -- on the border of being considered "high.")  Third, what if it takes 20 months, I get pregnant and then have a loss again?  Then they finally decide to test and it turns out that "all I needed" was aspirin -- but, "oops" your FSH level is now 50 and your chances are even lower and now you're likely to be a very poor responder to IVF so "good luck!"

(And, yes, I'm starting the1ww and there is, of course, a chance that I'm pregnant now.   I just think I've stopped "believing" in it.)

Also?  I just don't know how much longer I can make this the center of my life.  When I think back on the last two years it is hard to remember ANYTHING else that has happened other than me focusing intently on my internal organs.  This isn't good.  I need to move forward.  I feel like I've missed two years of my life.  I've become apathetic about my career.  I've become lazy at work and home.  I've become distant from friends with whom I haven't felt comfortable sharing our struggle.  I've become a bitter b**** in so many ways.  Our sex life has become "hey, when do you need me this month?" I don't remember a time where I was really happy and I don't remember what I used to do when I wasn't thinking about TTC all the time. 

So, I really feel like I need to move forward more quickly.  I need some sort of resolution.  We get more aggressive and it either works or it doesn't.  And, then I can figure out how I can move forward.  I seriously don't know what else to do with my life right now.

I'm torn, though.  The therapist last week asked me if this medication/monitoring break has been good or bad.  I think both. Good because non-medicated Rebecca is a much saner person who is more pleasant to be around and more pleasant to be.  Good because I don't have to drive 3 hours roundtrip for monitoring appointments once or twice a week.  Bad because I just feel like we're marking time.  Bad because my anxiety levels keep building each month that passes.

But, honestly?  Good because I think it is unlikely that I'll get pregnant this way.  I think a small part of me is afraid to get pregnant again.  I know that most likely this loss was a one time thing.  The probabilities are that it won't happen again. I really do plan on thinking positively about a next pregnancy and reminding myself to enjoy every minute of it.  But, I also know that without a second pregnancy there can't be a second loss.  I want desperately to be pregnant again but I also desperately do not want to go through another m/c. 

So, I know many of you will remember my anger at my current RE -- both her "see you in 6 months" response and her lack of caring about my mental health.  So, we're looking at changing doctors.  My DH doesn't really have any problem with the original RE.  He agrees that 6 months seems kind of foolish but he tends to be a "listen to the doctor" kind of guy and doesn't really see any problems with the laid back "try each new thing 6 times" approach that she takes to treatment.  If I weren't almost 36 I'd be OK with that, I think.  But, I am and I'm just feeling older and older every day.  (I had a prospective student and her mother in my office on Monday.  The mother was about five years older than I am (at most).  And she had a senior in high school.  I had to force myself to stop staring at her during the conversation.)

(Yes, 35 isn't really THAT old.  I know this.  I just felt "young" back when we started this when I was 33 and now, at 35, I feel and look like I've aged 10 years.)

Anyway, the truth is, though, that my DH will do whatever I want.  He knows that this has been hard on me and he wants to support me in it.  The problem is that it makes me feel guilty and whiny when I know he thinks we should listen to the doctor and the doctor thinks we should wait and I'm the only one left who thinks we should be more aggressive.  I feel like a hypochondriac.  He tries to tell me that it is OK for me to set up an appointment with a new doctor, but I know he is internally rolling his eyes about it. 

I guess I'm not even sure what I want the doctor to tell us we should do.  Before my BFP, we were taking a month or two off in preparation for an IVF consult.  We had done 4 Femara IUIs (after several disastrous months on and off Clomid) and had made the decision that we wouldn't do an injectible IUI because it wouldn't add a huge probability to our chances and, if it took several cycles, would most likely cost us as much as IVF would. And then we'd still be looking at moving to IVF.

Now?  I have no idea.  My DH is no longer on board with moving to IVF.  He thinks it is foolish given that we got pregnant without it.  But, when I try to describe the costs an inject-IUI cycle would require, the higher risk of multiples, the injections I would ask him to help with (he's very wary to do that even though he's given me multiple trigger shots), I'm not sure he's into that, either.  I don't want to go back to Femara-IUIs.  I feel like it never made much of a difference for us.  I got one or two good follies, he had crazy high post-wash counts and nothing happened.  I guess it is better than nothing (although, actually maybe it isn't since I got pregnant with nothing and didn't with the IUIs), but it is hard to see how much it will help. 

So, I'm torn.  I guess what I want to do is call the second clinic in the town where I go for my appointments to get a second opinion.  I seem to keep putting it off, though.  I tell myself that I only think about it early in the morning or after they're closed.  But, honestly, I think I'm afraid.  If I go there I'll have to get my records transferred and that makes me anxious (this is stupid, I realize).  If I go there, I feel like I'm jumping back in.  The past three months have felt like "casual" TTC.  (You know, as casual as you can be with timed intercourse, BBT monitoring and OPKs.)  It's felt low risk.  If we add anything new to the mix it is high risk and high emotion again.

So, yeah, I'm torn.  I don't know where we go from here.  I do know that it is possible that this cycle worked.  I do know that I can't keep living like this. 

(I guess my lack of ability to talk all day has made me write a lot... sorry this was so long...)