IF is funny sometimes. I never thought I'd casually chat about my ovaries and uterus with my stepfather. And, in the year or so that we've been open with my family about our infertility, I've really only ever talked to my mom about it. I know that S knows what's going on, but we've never just sat down and talked about it. Yesterday, my mom, S and I were sitting around on the couch and started talking about my canceled cycle and my crazy perfectly timed trips back and forth to the RE's office last cycle and I suddenly had this moment where I realized I had just said "Well, Clomid gave me similar ovarian cysts but worse and really destroyed my uterine lining" while looking directly at S. It was weird because it didn't feel weird.
Except that it did.
Does that make sense?
At one point I was saying how tired I am of all of this and how we don't know how much more money and time and energy we can throw at it. I said "We'll see what happens next and then make some decisions about when it is time to just stop." My stepdad said "Well, it would be a shame to have put all that time and effort and money into it and then stop right before you get there." It really made me stop and think. In their minds, it's just "one more step" and then it will work. And, to them, obviously, it will work, it's just a matter of time. In my mind, at some point I come to the conclusion that, even though I know we still have a great chance of success, there's a distinct possibility that this will never work. I don't mean to be pessimistic about it, just realistic.
I've realized that this isn't a matter of "paying your dues." Some people have paid enough dues to build a country club and still had no luck. And, some just luck out earlier on. Each and every one is as deserving as the others but I wish sometimes that there was some sort of cosmic balance sheet that said "oh, look, she's completed 15 lines here, it's time to give her what she wants." It wouldn't be that everyone has to complete all 15 lines. But, if you made it to the 15 lines without success then you would automatically get to move ahead.
I tried to explain to them that IF is tough because it is the first time in my life that I've had to really accept the fact that I have no control over the results. All our lives we've been told that if you work hard enough, you'll get there. If you want something, try, and it will work. And, for the most part, it's been true. With IF? That's just not so anymore. You can work hard and try hard and do everything perfectly and still end up exactly where you were at the beginning. A year can go by and you're right back where you were, having the same conversations about what comes next and you don't even know how it happened and you feel like you're treading water. That's why it is so hard to figure out when you should stop. I'm always thinking "well, if we just try *one* more thing. Maybe this will be it." It's so hard to let go of that.
And, no, we're not ready to stop, yet. And, we have great options open to us, still. But, that day isn't as far off as it used to be. And, I think I'm a lot more realistic about accepting it if it does come.
After that, we started talking about wills and insurance and inheritance and burials and things like that (because of all the sudden deaths lately: my colleague, the student, my friend's dad where we realized we need to touch on these things with our parents).
You know, much lighter stuff.
Wow - sounds like a great conversation. I love that you can talk with your mom and step-dad about all this stuff. But of course hate that you have to...
ReplyDeleteI really wish it was just a matter of time, just a matter of checking certain boxes, even just a matter of spending a certain amount of money. But like you said, you have no idea. But at least you know that you're not ready to stop yet. I remember that feeling - no, it's not yet time to stop, but it may be coming soon...
I hope your baby is very close!!!
That's so true. Letting go of control and the thought that I could *make* this happen by working hard enough at it was one of the most difficult aspects of IF. I hope it has taught me some important lessons about life and luck and unpredictability, but some type A habits are hard to break.
ReplyDeleteI remember trying to explain certain things to my parents, and while they were supportive, there was very little COMPREHENSION.
ReplyDeleteI want so badly for each and every one of us to get our dreams. I am hoping for you, sweetie.
It's wonderful that you can be open and honest with your family. I found myself having lots of ovary, uterus, drug, etc. conversations with my parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and anyone else who would listen. For me it helped me accept where I was, not be ashamed of it and think through things out loud.
ReplyDeleteYour post struck a cord with me. I also felt like before I could do IVF I had to accept that I might never be a mother. It was so hard to do but I wanted to know I'd be ok if IVF didn't work. My DH and I decided to do the shared risk program that included 3 fresh and 3 frozen (if possible) cycles. At the end of that we would be done trying. The finish line is different for everyone but all I'm saying is I can relate to needing a finish line. I always told my friends and family that if someone could just tell me I'd have to try for 5 years that would be ok with me. If I just knew at the end I would be a mom it would all be ok. I can tell this is where you are right now and I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug!
I'm so hopeful for you and I hope you're time is coming really, really soon!
Thank you for this post. It really resonated with me. IF is the first time that I am facing the "I can't control this" factor...and it is such a bitter pill to swallow. I, too, hope that perseverance will win out in the end.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with being realistic... it helps think about all the options and be comfortable with them rather than having ones head in the clouds. Know how you feel about maybe having to think about it not working. Lots of wishes with you for your next cycle... might be the one xoxo
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post! It's wonderful that you can be so open with your family, and it is amazing how the perspective of others is often so different from our own. With IF, hope, optimism, pessimism and realism all have to coexist, and it is so very difficult. That is one of the hardest things for me. Wanting to hold onto hope but feeling like it's easier to accept it will just never happen. Wishing you all the best in your next cycle!
ReplyDeleteIt is funny talking about these things with father and brother types. To some extent, I feel like, if I can pretend this is normal, then it will be normal. If I'm weird about it, it will be weird. Or something. I hope you all don't have to give up. Or, rather, I hope you never have to feel as though you're giving up. I hope that somehow, whatever that how may be, you get to a place that feels like you can have what you want--even if the path there isn't what you expected (and at this point, whose path is what they expected?). Sending weekend hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt is odd to have those types of conversations with people you never thought you would. It is great to have the support and (semi) understanding of your folks. Everyones limit is different, there is no right or wrong. I hope that you will have success very, very soon.
ReplyDeletegreat post! i couldn't have said it better, especially about this being the one thing in life that you have no control over. i'm so glad that you feel comfortable talking with your family about IF. it helps to have so much support, especially from those closest to you and not just those of us sharing your boat from the other side of the computer screen.
ReplyDeleteSo true... I'm on break waiting for IVF #5 to ramp up, and it's hard to believe I'm here. We're close to calling it quits with my own eggs, which sucks, but I feel like I'm paddling fiercely trying to get somewhere and keep finding myself in the same place. So frustrating. We'll do donor eggs next, so I'm putting off thinking about the 'what ifs' if those don't work (they should, but if I had a dollar every time that was true....)
ReplyDeleteYou know, something else that complicates IF, that sets it apart from other diseases, is the unreliable nature of treatment. Yes, there are isolated cases of "if blocked tubes are the only problem, IVF *will* work." But for the most part, we don't get that assurance that other diseases get of "this is a proven treatment and is more likely to work than not." Our most proven treatments are still astronomically less likely to work than to fail.
ReplyDeleteThe treatment snowball sucks. It's always just one more, just one more, just one more. And no one on the outside has any idea what "one" and much less "one more" actually means to us.
I know what you mean. It's always "just one more try". And how many stories are we told of couples on their *last* try EVER getting pregnant and having a baby?
ReplyDeleteWhen will we ever be comfortable stopping? Moving on?
Wishing you the best.
And yes, it's surreal to discuss ovaries, periods, cycles, uteri and other lovely things with people. I tend to even forget that it makes people uncomfortable. This is all so much a part of our worlds that it's hard to believe I was once the young teen who was mortified at the thought that anyone would know I was on my period, to the point where I NEVER skipped gym class although all the girls did. The teacher must have assumed I didn't have it yet at 17!! Even though I HATED gym class.
It's so tricky that whole 'one more step' thing. Because how does one ever know without trying? But you're right--IF and ART can sometimes make no sense--ie you see someone with less than stellar embryos make babies and others with perfect blasts not make babies--and it just leaves you shaking your head. It's good to think about all of this but sometimes you can't overthink it either. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI found the lack of control over your ability to succeed in IF the most frustrating part as well. I think for some of us high and over-acheiver's that's the part that is so foreign. Not working hard but not getting the tangible results we're used to seeing from our efforts.
ReplyDeleteI think you've completed your 15 lines and I'm in support of your change in protocol. I'll let fate know its your turn. xoxo
LoL @ your last sentence. :D
ReplyDeleteThis is such a perfect post. I find that everyone around me has the same attitude as your parents: it WILL work. Everyone but me, of course. Ever since the lap I am feeling a lot more optimistic, and I do feel like my baby is just around the corner, but I do still sometimes have doubts.
I am nowhere near giving up, because I know the road in front of me. I hope the universe gives us what we're owed very, very soon.
The whole 'one more try' thing is so true, and one of the reasons we ended up doing 8 IUIs.... I really wish there was some way to predict when/if you were going to succeed, it would make it so much less frustrating! Glad you can talk to your parents about everything though.
ReplyDeleteThere's definately nothing fair about this. So many women tell me "well, it took me..." and then I tune them out, because what worked for one woman will not necessarily work for another. You're right, it is hard to be optimistic / realisic. Just keep hope in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI forget how commonplace our discussions of uterine lining thickness and cycle days and ovulation and everything else becomes in our lives, when most of my friends have no clue when they ovulate or how long their luteal phases are, or even what a luteal phase is. I think it is great when we can share that kind of information with the people in our lives. It is so true though, that those people with whom we do share, namely parents, are so sure that we will be successful! I let them keep the hope for both of us. Great post, so true.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were a dues limit. It's not fair that some pay for so long and others not much at all.
ReplyDeleteI love the visual of having that conversations with your FIL. I don't think I could do it. Very nice work!
That is that hardest part of IF. To know that you can do everything right and still not succeed. I don't know if you ever stop thinking about your cycle, cm, lp ever after this. Maybe after menopause.
ReplyDeleteit's great that you can talk openly with your mom and step dad about IF, even if they don't really understand completely. The loss of control is SO HARD and such a tough lesson to learn.
ReplyDelete