"Sharing" IF with a friend

I have a good friend IRL, we'll call her M.  She's one of my closest friends, even though we rarely see each other (she lives in California) and we don't even talk that much anymore.  We met in college but didn't become close until after graduation -- which was 16 years ago, now, for me and 17 for her.  When we get together, though, it's always like no time has passed.  We laugh and cry and it just "works," you know?  She is one of only a very few IRL friends who have had any idea what's really been going on with us on the TTC front for the past few years.  I was visiting her the first cycle I was on Clomid and the first time I was using OPKs.  She was the only person I told *all* about it.  She was the first friend I told I was pregnant (at 9 weeks) and the first I told I'd miscarried two weeks later.  I wish desperately that we lived anywhere near each other.  Over the years we've talked about how great it would be if one of us ended up working where the other one was.  I miss the closeness we used to have. 

We were friends through the "lean" years of our 20s when we would e-mail back and forth about how horrible our dating lives were, great new prospects for partners and how uncertain/stressful/crazy our work lives had become.  Every so often we'd drift apart for an extended period, but we'd always come back to each other.  Our relationship has mostly been through long, personal, detailed e-mails.  Looking back over our e-mail exchanges is like reading old diaries.  It was my blog before I had a blog!  Often we'd start an e-mail with "warning, journaling coming up."  Over the years, we watched other friends get married and have kids but we were always the "single" friends who were there for each other.  We talked about what we were looking for in a partner and the future. We talked about our uncertainties with having kids and what we thought "marriage" would look like for us.  We vented about the obnoxious "friends" who mocked us and looked down on us for being in our 30s and not married.  The ones who thought that only their way was the "right way." 

When I first started dating my DH, she was the one who I told everything.  (Some of which came back to bite me when she read old e-mails (thankfully edited!) during her toast at my rehearsal dinner!!!)  When my DH and I had issues the first few months after we moved in together trying to figure out how to combine 10 years of living on our own?  She heard them all and was there for me offering to bitch him out if I needed it.  When we got over our problems and things turned around and became what they are today, she was there cheering me on.  I was there for her for the same reasons.  Always supportive, always caring.  She was my maid of honor who kept me sane and laughing when I was a basket case over buying a wedding dress and I was part of her wedding last July.  She had a small ceremony with one or two people representing each phase of her life and I was beyond honored to be the representative of her college years.

We've drifted apart, it's true.  It makes me sad.   Time and distance do that to you.  The past few years of infertility have only exacerbated that.  For the first 7 months or so that we were trying, I told her a little bit about what we were doing, but she was still in "looking for a partner" mode.  It's not like she wouldn't have been sympathetic or tried to understand.  But, I just didn't know how much she *really* wanted to know.  Then, with a whirlwind romance, she found the "one."  They were quickly engaged and talking about the future and kids, etc.  She went from "maybe I want kids" to "we'll start trying by 'x' date."  They were engaged over a year and, initially, she talked about starting to try a few months before they got married.  Having just started down the path of IF testing, etc., I strongly encouraged her to start taking folic acid and to get off the pill and use "alternative means of protection" for a few months so that she could see what her body was doing by the time they did get started.  I'm about 2 1/2 years younger than she is and that never meant anything until, at 34 (at the time) I was already starting to feel like I may have waited too long.  I didn't want to push, though.  Who really wants to hear about infertility when you still think it will just "work" for you?  And, when, in the end, she and her husband decided to wait until several months after they were married to start trying, I just stayed in the background because that is a personal decision.  But, privately all I could think was "GET IN THE BEDROOM RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!!!!!"

They started trying last fall and I screwed up my courage and tried to let her know how much I wanted TTC to be easy for her.  How, if it worked quickly, I *wanted* her to let me know but to know how it would probably still be difficult for me, as happy as I'd be for her.  I hesitated saying it because I didn't want to make it about me, but I wanted her not to feel uncomfortable telling me what was going on.  When I told her I was pregnant last year a few weeks before her wedding, she told me how she had really been hoping I'd be pregnant by the time she got married.  I imagine that it was partly the same reason why I *really, really* hope that my cousin and his wife (who have been trying for a year longer than we have and have had two losses) announce a successful pregnancy soon.  I don't want to add to their unhappiness if it happens for us sooner.

M's just hitting the 7 month mark and we've talked a little over the past few months about what they're going through (along with what we've been going through).  At nearly 39, her timeline is, understandably, more urgent.  I know she's looking for someone who understands to talk to about it.  (We all know how important it is to find someone who you can talk to about TTC.)  I've recommended she check out some on-line groups.  I've told her about the IF blog-world.  She's said she feels funny telling me how tough it's going knowing what we've been through.  She said she knew it might be hard for them but she was just hoping it wouldn't be.  I definitely remember that feeling.  When my SIL, who knew what she was talking about, said "it might take a while," I nodded and agreed but secretly thought "of course it will be easy for us."

So, what brought all this up?  She's been doing bloodwork over the past few months and, last week, told me how she was nervous to go to the doctor to get further checked out because she was afraid what the answer would be.  I sympathized and told her a little more about what we're doing now.  This morning I opened my e-mail to see a message from her that she's now going gung-ho into testing (HSG, etc. coming up soon) and that her doctor is recommending, given her age, either straight to IVF or a few Clomid/IUI tries and then IVF.  She's starting to look at their money situation and figuring out what they would need for IVF.

Reading that freaked me out and I haven't been able to respond, yet.  I WANT this to work for her.  I DON'T WANT her to go through what we're going through.  But, at the same time, I'm stuck in this "off" cycle fearing that my cyst won't get smaller by next cycle and we'll lose another one.  Feeling that we're going to have to go through one or two more failed FSH IUIs before finally trying IVF.  (I know the injects might very well work, but I'm just feeling discouraged right now.)  I'm exactly where I was a year ago wishing that we could move on to IVF sooner and feeling like I have to convince my husband of that and that everything else we're doing is pointless.  (Obviously it isn't but, again, I'm feeling very discouraged.)  And, no, I don't want her to wait and wait to get to IVF if that is what it will take for them to get pregnant.  But, I still feel a huge sense of jealousy that she might be able to go through this sooner than I will given all the "dues" I've paid already. And, it's not like IVF is a guarantee.  But, just the idea of being able to do IVF fills me with jealousy.

And, it might be perfect, right?  We might go through it together.  And, even if I haven't done IVF, I've definitely had more experience with people who have and done more research than she has so far and may be able to answer some of her questions about it or direct her to people who can.  And, one way or another, this might be perfect and we might end up both getting pregnant within a really short period of time of each other and have kids the same age.  Isn't that the dream?  To be pregnant the same time as one of your closest friends?  It could bring us closer again.  I guess I'm afraid, though, what happens if it doesn't happen for both of us.

I hate IF.  I hate that it has made me jealous of people because they get to have invasive medical treatment sooner than I do!  What the hell is wrong with me?  I hate that it has made even the smallest part of me want to yell "NO!!  IT IS MY TURN" to one of my closest "always there for me" friends.  I want to be supportive of her.  I KNOW how tough this is to go through.  But, I can't keep myself from thinking "only 7 months!  It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!!"  And, I hate myself for it.  I know that I wouldn't wish multiple years of infertility on anyone.  But, it doesn't make me feel like any less of a jealous, snarky bitch for thinking it at all.

I haven't shared my blog with M.  I'm not sure why since, in the past, these posts would have been e-mails to her.  I guess I feel like here I'm just in my head with people who don't know the "real" me.  (Although, honestly, you know the real me more than most of the people I know IRL.)  I'm not sure if she's found it or not.

If you're out there, M, I love you and wish you absolutely, positively only the best and hope you don't mind that I've shared this story.  I'm sorry that I'm going to be a jealous, snarky bitch sometimes.  I want to be there to support you.  Thank you for being there for me for so long.  I hope that your tests go smoothly and you have an easy path to pregnancy and a baby.  And, I just really, really, really, really hope we get to be pregnant together incredibly soon.

For the rest of you, thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for understanding (I hope) the jealous, snarky bitch side of me.

And, thanks for reading this incredibly long post.  ☺