*drums fingers*

Trying to ignore how slowly time is passing here...

I swear, the 2ww for this cycle zoomed by and the five days since we scheduled our u/s have now felt like a lifetime.  I don't know how on earth I'm going to wait another week until we get a first peek.  I can't imagine how "normal fertile women" wait until the 8th week or later!

I am SO tired.  I cannot keep my eyes open.  I actually went home and took a nap at lunch today.  Yesterday, after falling asleep grading on the couch at 8:30, I just gave up and went to bed at 9:30.

We've told an odd selection of people.  My DH has a group of distant (as in, living far away from here) friends and his sister he was updating on a daily basis about the details.  I keep asking him how much they really cared about the details -- but of course, he was just giving them the same details I've been giving you.  As much as he'll deny it, I think he needed to talk about it the same way that I did. So, after Thursday's positive report, he sent them the update.  I think he's being pessimistically optimistic this time around.  I think he's unwilling to imagine it working until maybe the 20th week or so.  Actually, when I was having a bit of an anxiety attack last night, he basically said he doesn't think he'll "believe" it until the baby is on its way out.  That's how he was last time, and I think he feels somewhat justified since, in the end, it didn't work out.  He makes me more nervous when he does this since he's normally a very optimistic person.

I haven't told any IRL friends (even the only one who knew we were in the middle of an IVF cycle and just announced her own pregnancy) or family.  I think I'll tell my mother after the u/s -- though I'm not positive.  My DH will probably not tell his parents until after the first trimester.  I actually am kind of dreading telling my mother.  Which is ridiculous.  I can't seem to feel confident in this pregnancy.  I guess the whole "once bitten, twice shy" thing is true.  I know with one loss we don't really have a higher probability of having another one.  But, I'm just afraid to feel like it's real. 

I keep repeating over and over to myself:

"There is no reason to believe this won't be a successful pregnancy."

(Not the world's best mantra, but it's what keeps coming out.)

I'm trying to remind myself of what I said last year.

I feel like the next time I will believe it from the beginning. I will appreciate it from the first moment. I will know that it could all go away again, but I will cherish everything that I get. 

And, really, I am cherishing every moment I have.  I'm holding my still swollen belly and staring at the pictures of my embryos.  I'm living in the "now," which is unusual for me.  I'm just having a hard time imagining the future. 


I don't mean for this post to come out like I'm not excited or like I don't think it will work out.  I always hate when people do that.   I guess I'm just protecting myself and waiting for the next step. 

I did buy a pregnancy book this weekend.  Crazy for an infertile who has had a loss, I know.  It's a vegetarian pregnancy book that I found at a used bookstore sometime last summer.  And, of course, refused to buy at the time on the grounds that I would automatically be preventing myself from getting pregnant by having such a book in my home!  We happened to be at the same store on Saturday and I was sitting in a chair (because walking up the stairs had winded me and my entire abdomen was aching) and noticed the book again.  Despite all my instincts against jinxing myself, I grabbed it. 

If that's not thinking positively, I don't know what is! :)

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant.