Friday, April 1, 2011

Nope

Not surprisingly, the test was negative.  And, about 30 minutes after the test, AF showed up.

Things I've learned this cycle:
  • My body responds well to FSH.  That's a good thing.
  • I'm really glad that I still temp.  Seriously.  I know others don't like the uncertainty of it.  But, for me, realizing three days ago that this cycle was likely not going to happen has lessened the blow this morning. For me, my temps are an excellent sign of success or failure.  My BFP cycle looked dramatically different than any other cycle.  This cycle looked just like all the others. 
  • I've never felt less pregnant than I did yesterday.  As soon as my "self produced" progesterone started to drop, my boobs got less tender.  Yesterday they stopped hurting at all.  I started getting a migraine and I just sort of felt ready to move on.
  • I'm glad AF showed up this morning.  OK, that's not entirely true.  I, obviously, wish AF didn't show at all.  But, showing up today gave me my standard 13 day LP.  I was worried that the progesterone would keep AF away and keep me wondering if "just in case" the test was too early.
  • Three ripe eggs and 80 million sperm mean absolutely nothing.
I am, of course, really sad and disappointed.  But, I think my initial mourning was a few days ago so now I'm just kind of "blah."  I sense this weekend getting worse, though, as AF hits harder and I feel like crap.

I assume this next cycle will be the same as the last. I responded well.  My DH produced super sperm.  We just didn't have any luck.  I have my baseline appointment scheduled for Monday at 11 am for CD4.  It'll be a fun crazy round trip canceling tutoring hours and trying not to miss classes, again. 

And, hey, this cycle started on April 1st and my BFP cycle last year started on April 2nd.  Both of them started on a Friday, though, so this is actually exactly one year later.  Maybe that means something.  Like I said before, I'm kind of afraid of getting pregnant this cycle and having every date line up.  But, I'll take it.  Definitely.

Thanks to all of you so much for your support.  Your comments have kept me going.  I don't know what I'd do without you.
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36 comments:

  1. OakApril 1, 2011 at 8:23 AM

    Damn it, damn it. I'm so sorry to read this. Its cruel punishment that BFN's come at the same time as AF and the emotions that come along with both are compounded. I hope that you take some time this weekend to pamper yourself properly.

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  2. MyTwoLinesApril 1, 2011 at 8:25 AM

    I'm really sorry. Even when sort of expected, the BFNs always hurt. I'm glad you learned some good things this cycle and wishing you nothing but the best on the next one!

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  3. TinaApril 1, 2011 at 8:34 AM

    So so sorry. Praying for the next cycle!

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  4. LisaApril 1, 2011 at 8:34 AM

    Ugh. I'm so sorry.

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  5. AlexApril 1, 2011 at 8:39 AM

    Oh this sucks - I'm so very sorry. Was hoping, so much!

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  6. ALApril 1, 2011 at 8:45 AM

    damn it, Rebecca, I was really hoping this was it for you. I'm so sorry :-(

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  7. DawnApril 1, 2011 at 9:03 AM

    This totally sucks! I was really praying this was your lucky cycle.

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  8. AnonymousApril 1, 2011 at 9:10 AM

    Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry this one didn't work. Why don't the ones that seem perfect turn out that way? Not that I've had so many that seemed all that perfect, but I hear they happen. ;) Hoping the dates line up for pregnancy, but that you take off mommyhood-bound from there. Take it easy this weekend. xoxo

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  9. LauraApril 1, 2011 at 9:11 AM

    New to your blog, but just wanted to drop by and say I'm sorry about your BFN. Sounds like you've got a positive attitude to start your next cycle. Good luck!

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  10. CarliaApril 1, 2011 at 9:13 AM

    sorry about AF. :( i'm totally impressed by how in tune with your body you are, though! my doctor told me to throw the BBT out the window, which i love, but i do miss knowing exactly what's going on. good luck with your next cycle!

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  11. ShannonApril 1, 2011 at 9:15 AM

    Hi...I am a new follower. I am sorry to hear about AF. Those days are the worst. I hope you are now one step closer to a cycle that results in a BFP. Good luck!

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  12. A m a n d aApril 1, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    I'm really sorry Rebecca. I had the same experience as you with my last BFN..I KNEW several days beforehand. My hubby tried to question it, but I told him BBT charts don't lie!

    Wishing for your BFP next month...

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  13. AnonymousApril 1, 2011 at 9:52 AM

    I'm so sorry, Rebecca. I hope that April brings you lots of luck.

    xo

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  14. JinApril 1, 2011 at 10:21 AM

    Eff. But I understand about the dates lining up.

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  15. AmyGApril 1, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    I'm so impressed by how well you know your body. Here's wishing for a speedy path to parenthood!

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  16. Nessa LomivaApril 1, 2011 at 10:52 AM

    Oh no. I am so sorry, Rebecca. I'm also sorry I wasn't here to support you this week. It's been kind of hectic in my world.

    I hope you get through this.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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  17. jill's infertility documentApril 1, 2011 at 11:01 AM

    I'm really sorry this wasn't the cycle that worked. It does look like there are some positives to the way the cycle progressed and it sounds like you are focusing on that information for the next round. I hope you have a calm, healing weekend and a not-too-crazy Monday, with appointments and classes and what not. xo

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  18. KellyApril 1, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    I agree with you about the temping...and I'm really very sorry about this cycle.

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  19. StephanieApril 1, 2011 at 12:14 PM

    Thinking of you...

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  20. RDApril 1, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    Nuts. But I get what you're saying about the dates lining up. Here's to next cycle being THE ONE. ((hugs))

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  21. GurleeApril 1, 2011 at 2:01 PM

    I am sorry. I will raise a glass to you tonight as I am right behind, cd1 is going to start any moment. It is so frustrating, you guys did all you could for a perfect iui. Sending u love xoxo

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  22. NinkApril 1, 2011 at 2:13 PM

    I am so sorry! :( I truly wish the outcome was different for you. But, I'm totally a believer of weird, unique signs and the fact that your cycle is beginning at the same time as last year's BFP cycle was a GREAT SIGN!!! I'm gonna keep everything crossed for you. In the meantime, sending you lots of prayers. xoxo

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  23. BabystepsApril 1, 2011 at 2:22 PM

    I'm so sorry. Even if we expect a BFN or think it might end up that way, it doesn't make it easier, but you seem to be looking and moving forward - which is sometimes all we can do.

    Thinking of you~

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  24. DandelionBreezeApril 1, 2011 at 3:52 PM

    So sorry to hear about your BFN.... such a disappointment I know. Sounds like you know your body very well and are in touch with all the signs along the way... sorry that it turned out this way - I was hoping so much for you after my BFN. Love always xoxo

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  25. threelittlekilosApril 1, 2011 at 7:11 PM

    i'm really sorry...that sucks. and i know i said something about putting away my thermometer because it did my head in, and i hope that you didn't think, "oh shut up!" but i totally understand if you did. :) sending you big hugs.

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  26. AnonymousApril 1, 2011 at 7:14 PM

    I am soooo sorry :( *hugs**

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  27. erikaApril 1, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    Oh! Crap:( I am sorry this one didn't work out.
    Are you gonna have bw for check-up? (I am just being paranoid about this after my bad story a year ago.)
    Sorry it turned out like this, but I am glad this month have given you some good answers, though! Re-assuring answers.
    It seems your response was very good. You just need to beat the statistics now;) One more cycle! You can do it, Rebecca!!!
    Your Cheerleader

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  28. erikaApril 1, 2011 at 8:08 PM

    April is one of the best month to get pregnant anyway! get ready!

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  29. AshleeApril 1, 2011 at 9:11 PM

    Dang you, IUI! I'm sorry that you had to feel disappointed...again. When that happens to me (like it has for 5 IUI's), I just hop on my 101 in 1,001 list and do something adventurous, fun, or interesting. I usually have to push myself to do it, but it always reminds me that I CAN accomplish something...even if it's not a pregnancy.

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  30. Mel.April 1, 2011 at 9:35 PM

    Oh sweets, I'm so very sorry this cycle didn't work! Sending huge hugs up your way....

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  31. MarybethApril 2, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    I wish there had been better news on that stick, but I know how you feel when you basically know what the outcome is going to be anyway. It sucks, and I wish could do something that would make it not suck ANYMORE! Hope you're able to get your scheduling straight and have a good weekend ((hugs))

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  32. CortneyApril 2, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    I'm so sorry, Rebecca! This IF crap sucks and I really wish you didn't have to go through it! Keeping my fingers crossed for April!

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  33. someday-soonApril 2, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    Crap! I'm sorry hon {{{HUGS}}} It is good news that you responded well, I hope this next cycle brings your a BFP.

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  34. Glass Case of EmotionApril 2, 2011 at 10:51 PM

    I'm so sorry. :(

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  35. LilyApril 3, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    Just wanted to get in line to offer up BFN condolences. Others may not understand how painful this news is with each cycle and the need to grieve each one. Sending you a big hug and hoping you feel all the love and support you are getting here.

    Hugs,
    Lily - The Infertile Mind

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  36. viktoryginApril 3, 2011 at 2:11 PM

    Just an echo on what everyone else has said: I am so sorry this continues to be the way things are for you. I won't spout off some well wishes or "keep your chin up stuff" (after 11 years of TTC myself, I get it.) I will only say that we are strong, strong stuff, us folk of infertility land, and we can always find the courage and strength to muster forward. Warm hugs and well wishes.

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