Can I tell you how glad I am that the summer class session is over after this week? I'm so exhausted and need a little time off. I've been in high stress "put on a happy face" mode all summer and I need a break before it is time to do it all again.
I just got back in town from a whirlwind visit to friends in Wisconsin. I really didn't have time for this trip -- I had to grade papers whenever I wasn't driving -- but I'm glad we went. I got to spend some time talking with a friend about IF and the m/c. She and her husband are basically like my DH's big brother and sister and are his confidants. The husband and my DH left us alone for a while so we could talk. It was a little weird -- we were at her son's baseball game surrounded by people -- but good. It was just nice to talk to someone IRL who knows what has been going on and can sympathize. It reminded me how much I appreciate all of you but also how much I need more of a real-life support system that isn't hundreds of miles away. Other than my DH, I really don't have one and I need to do something about that.
It has brought me back to thinking about the m/c a lot. Warning: I'm taking a turn for the deep here.
I had a realization this weekend: I didn't believe I was pregnant until I miscarried. I think I've said something like that before, but it hit me that I really mean it. Until I was physically going through the miscarriage, I never believed that there was a baby inside of me. I was waiting for something to make me believe it. (Obviously this wasn't what I was hoping would do it.) As I was having the miscarriage, for the first time I wanted to run through the streets telling people I was pregnant. I know for some women they want to as soon as the second line appears but I never did before because I really didn't think it was true. I think I was so surprised that it worked and so used to disappointing month after disappointing month that I really didn't think it was true.
Because of that? I've realized that I spent the two months after the BFP not appreciating that I was pregnant. Trying to act like I thought I was supposed to act as a new pregnant woman but really just putting on a show. I didn't celebrate it like I should have. I regret that, now. I wish I could go back to that time and realize how lucky and blessed I was. No matter what happened, I had two months of knowing that I was holding my child inside of me. I wish I had appreciated it.
And, I'm glad that I miscarried on my own before the D&C. I think it was something I needed to experience. I'm not sure if I would have had the same realization if I'd had the D&C. I would have woken up and been in pain and felt empty but everything would have seemed just like it did before. Feeling and seeing the loss made the entire thing real.
But, you know what? I feel like this realization has changed me. I feel like the next time I will believe it from the beginning. I will appreciate it from the first moment. I will know that it could all go away again, but I will cherish everything that I get.
I've never been good at living for "now" but I feel like I'm starting to learn.
I can understand why you didn't "feel" pregnant while you were pregnant. What is a 2nd line anyway but a line inside a piece of plastic? And perhaps you were protecting yourself a bit, too. I feel that way a lot. I'm so afraid to feel positive or hopeful, for fear of the devastation I'll end up feeling when the news is not good news.
ReplyDeleteBut I can also see why you might regret not enjoying it while it lasted. As sad as it turned out, you did have your child inside for those 2+ months, and that is a joyful thing.
I'm so glad, though, that you feel changed by this experience in a positive way. Next time you WILL treasure every moment!
I'm sorry it took this for you to learn this lesson but hopefully the lesson makes many things in life more enjoyable in a way. You are so strong to be processing all your feelings and already in a learning place. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteI understand everything you're saying about it not feeling real and not being able to be excited. But, I don't think I can do anything to change that IF there's a next time. It just gets worse for me. Maybe I would have been able to be happy if I hadn't had so many problems even in my short 7 week pregnancy. It is just so unfair. I felt so robbed at my first u/s, where we saw the heartbeat (1st time ever in 3 pregnancies --that all ended in m/c) b/c we could not be joyful as when we saw it, the dr told me 2 minutes later that he was very concerned and I was threatening to miscarry. Any happiness was sucked away and I HATE that, but I don't know that I can control it, even knowing what I know now.
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal to feel that way for us infertile ladies. I know when I found out I was pregnant the second time, I embraced it from day one. And it still ended, so I went back to self-protection for time #3. (I sincerely hope you don't join my crew.) And I did enjoy it, but only until beta. It sucks we can't just enjoy it like everyone else. That the hpt can't be the end of it, like it is for most of the world. It's just one of the many sucky things about infertility. I do think though... that living in the now is a fantastic thing. :)
ReplyDeleteI can totally see how you could feel that way Rebecca. I think I really get it.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that I really realized that I was pregnant until the whole Brandon vs. Kaitlin issue. It was like I was living a fog, waiting for something or somebody to prove it to me - that I was actually living this life.
Healing happens one step at a time ... and unfortunately sometimes it's a long process, but the lessons learned can be powerful and life changing.
Rigt now, I'm living in the world you were. I told The Boy on the way home from our cabin last night that I am disconnected from this and really don't feel like its real. Yeah my boobs hurt and I feel a little nauseated every now and again but that doesn't mean there's a baby growing and thriving in there. I'm hoping that will change after our first U/S next week but only time will tell.
ReplyDeleteI think its sad that we feel this way but I also think that some element of self-protection must be normal in some way.
I'm glad you're learning from your experience so that you can do things in a way that's better for you next time.
Why does it have to take tragedy to learn how to appreciate things? Sigh. I get it, though. That's what it does; that's its purpose. I'm glad you are finding a silver lining in all of this! HUGS
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to go through all of that but I think it's pretty normal (or at least I want to believe it is...). I think it's great that you have such a positive outlook for next time!!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a tough thing, thinking about the next time and how it will be different. I feel almost the complete opposite. With my miscarriage, for two months I was so incredibly excited. From the very beginning of the IUI cycle, I "knew" it was going to work, and I already felt pregnant - even before the IUI! And when I got that BFP, it wasn't surprising, just affirming what I already knew. I really wanted to run around telling everybody, and I did tell way too many people. And then when there was no heartbeat, I was so incredibly surprised. I didn't understand how this could have happened. Now I feel jaded about my next pregnancy. I'm scared to get pregnant, and I'm afraid that I'll be negative for a long time during the pregnancy. I hope I can get the positivity back - I admire yours.
ReplyDeleteSending you big hugs.
ReplyDelete~Happy ICLW~
I think the feeling you had was completely normal. Sending you tons of hugs!
ReplyDelete