Thanks for the collective anger at the billing department. I swear, I feel like I'm being Punk'd. Still no resolution (the one lady won't return the other lady's phone call or e-mail) but I'll be down there this afternoon and I've already informed them that I'm not leaving until I have a signed piece of paper that says that we don't owe this money. Maybe notarized. I really should talk to the doctor because someone needs to have a good talking to about this. The last thing you should do to a stressed out, overly hormonal infertile lady who is already bitter because her insurance won't recognize IF as a disease is remind her of all of that over and over again!!
The trip this afternoon? For one last beta test. I probably won't know the results until tomorrow morning but I feel pretty confident that they will be "negative" and we will be able to move on.
For one thing, AF started this morning. Right on time. I was pretty sure I O'd two weeks ago today and was expecting AF yesterday or today given my usual 12 or 13 day LP. I'm very glad to see that my body is still predictable and has worked itself out quickly. I was wondering, given my RE's insistence on monitoring my betas and things I've read, whether I was deluding myself into thinking things were moving forward.
So, I think we're back in the game again. I feel like I've hit some sort of giant reset button on TTC. I'm in a totally different place than I was before the pregnancy. I'm not sure where that is, exactly, but I know it is new. I almost feel like I've gone back to the very beginning. Knowing, now, that it is actually possible for me to conceive, I'm feeling like I should be conceiving ASAP. This makes me a little nervous because I remember how it felt for those naive beliefs to be bitch-slapped upside the head. I'm afraid I've lost a little of my protective "it'll never happen" bubble. But, I'm hoping it will help me stay positive (because I am generally an incredibly negative, pessimistic person).
I think that I feel sort of educatedly-naive. (Yeah, so not a word.) I think I fully understand that this may take a while, again, and we may yet need lots of intervention. But, at the same time, I think I actually believe I could be surprised and it could happen.
And, yes, no matter what I said the other day, I do know that, if I get pregnant again, I will be terrified that it will end. But, I still feel like I'm going to let myself live in the "now" and enjoy what I do have.
Do you know what I just realized? Today is the 1 year anniversary of our first appointment with the RE. That seems fitting somehow. I remember how excited I was a year ago when we found a doctor who didn't say "just be patient" and "oh, it will work itself out." She saw a problem and wanted to fix it. I'm sad that I'll be back there exactly one year later to confirm that I am officially no longer pregnant but I want to get that positive, excited attitude back again.
(Someone remind me that I felt positive when I start getting depressed in a few months when it hasn't happened again...)
(Oh, wait, there's the good ol' pessimistic Rebecca!)
I think what you are feeling is totally normal. It's okay to be nervous. It's okay to be afraid. But it's also okay to think that it could happen right away or naturally. The key is trying to balance all of these emotions without getting too hard on yourself, and I know that's so difficult to do because we all go through that. I hope your betas are back down to zero so you can officially get back in the saddle.
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RESET!!! I think there are a lot of us feeling this way right now. Isn't it amazing how after everything, we still think "this cycle might be it!!!" Gotta love hope - she's one seriously crazy bitch!
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely not the same after a pregnancy and m/c, and especially a year after the first RE appt. You're more "seasoned" now. You're pretty young, you cycle beautifully, you conceived once. I gotta say, I like your chances!
ReplyDeleteI hope all went well with the doctor today!
ReplyDeleteI'm rooting for you to get lucky soon!
Oh my! Please update us when you can about this whole billing mess! I hope that it all went well today (beta, billing, etc)!
ReplyDeleteMaybe the re-bill was really intended to be a "Happy 1 year anniversary" note ;-) It's great that your body is still predictable. I've got everything crossed for you that your extra sticky BFP is right around the corner!
ReplyDeleteI'm totally the debbie down IF patient. I figure if you don't have expectations you don't get disappointed. I realize that this is a terrible way to live but I can't help it. I think The Boy's head my pop off his shoulders soon as he finds it frustrating!
ReplyDeleteReset button - that's a great way to put it! That's sort of what I felt too. I'm so glad your cycles seem to be getting back to normal. Hope you're on your way to a speedy and super sticky BFP!
ReplyDeleteHey, lady. Thank you for your comment on my blog. "Reset" is an interesting way to look at things. It's hard to think of each cycle individually rather than thinking of all your cycles collectively. I'm going to keep this idea in my mind. Naivity isn't always a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteI try really hard to be positive, too, but sometimes it is just soooo damn hard....HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI had a couple of REALLY high and positive cycles after the miscarriage. It felt like something had been proved and now I deserved (and would get) that pregnancy that I was worried would never come. The positivity has sadly faded, but I can still buoy myself up sometimes by reminding myself that "it happened once," and I hope that helps you, too.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to see that you are ready to get back to TTC and with such good spirits! I know it is a little scary to get back on the rollercoaster, but you are on the right track towards that longdeserved happy ending! I am here cheering you on as always, Twinnie!
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