Why is it that these stressful, crying, AF days always seem to show up when I'm busiest? (I'm supposed to be writing a final right now...) Somehow, I imagined that because we weren't trying this month the hormonal emotions of AF wouldn't hit me and I'd just be excited to get back to trying. But, oh, yeah, AF hormones are ALWAYS a pain in the ass.
I heard from the nurse and my beta is back to normal. (YAY!) She left a message or I'd have gotten an actual number. I'm a numbers person and I'd like to know what it is -- 0? 4? Anyway, she also said that the RE doesn't want to do any tests or anything and that I'm supposed to call them if I don't get pregnant in 6 months. Nice knowing you.
OK, so, I know that we've hit the reset button and I know that we're basically starting over again. And, I know that the fact that we got pregnant without help this time means that we really aren't "infertile" anymore (since the one tube was unblocked) and that it should be able to happen again. And, I know that I'm trying to stay positive and think about the fact that it is actually possible that it will happen quickly. (And, I swear I really did feel that positive two flippin' days ago!!!)
But, right before the schedule-induced med-break that resulted in this pregnancy we were fresh off of 3 failed IUIs in a row and the RE recommending injects or IVF. I've been in tears all day since I got the message. I feel abandoned. I feel like they've forgotten that it took 20 months to get where we were. I don't know what I feel. I just feel lost. I really keep trying to remember that this could happen but the back of my mind keeps wondering how it will happen quickly when it took so long before.
Somehow, even though we haven't even started trying again, I'm afraid, yet again, that we're just going to be marking time until someone lets us try something else.
I'm trying to live in the moment. I'm trying to think about this cycle and not the next and the next after that. I'm trying to think about that rumored post-m/c extra fertility (I hope it isn't like that rumored post-HSG extra fertility...)
I think the idea of going this alone after a year of help is scaring me. The thought of waiting another 6 months before seeking help again is making me depressed. I know this can happen on our own -- it did. But, as much as I hated the meds and hated the stress of going back and forth to the RE's, I liked the idea of feeling like I was putting everything I had into this. That someone else was trying, too. That we were doing everything possible to increase our odds.
This is stupid. I'm being stupid. I'm blaming the hormones. I'm crying over something that doesn't even make sense. They have faith I can get pregnant without them. That's a good thing. They have faith that I can get pregnant and stay that way. That's a good thing.
I really need to just focus on now. Focus on this cycle. Remember that it can happen at any time.
IF sucks.
You are so rigth, it can happened at any time! You are in my prayers and I hope that "any time" it's very very soon =)
ReplyDeleteI would TOTALLY feel abandoned! But you know it can happen, so I hope you can find a little faith in that....
ReplyDeleteTwo suggestions --
ReplyDelete- call the RE back to discuss. I really think that starting from square 1 seems sort of silly.
- If that doesn't work well, then try to find a new RE that is more sympathetic. Because it would seem to me that your current RE is not being super empathetic (and who leaves that "see you in 6 months" message on a vm??)
Sorry, I'm indignant on your behalf, and I totally understand how you feel.
I'm with irrational -- it seems odd that the RE wouldn't pick up where you left off. Maybe the nurse was ill informed, or maybe the RE forgot which patient you are/where you are in your TTC journey.
ReplyDeleteIt's great news that your beta is back to 0 -- such a relief to have your body operating normally again after a loss.
*hugs*
Glad your beta is back to 0. That is some good news. Sorry about the RE, you have every right to feel abandoned. If you feel like you don't want to wait the 6 months maybe your GYN or Primary can help? Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI agree that maybe you should call them back to discuss.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending you many hugs!
I agree, this is very weird/strange and upsetting that you got that message. I'm sorry, but 6 months? The fact that you got pregnant on your own does not, in ANY way shape or form erase the 20 months of heartache prior to all of this. IMHO, you were abandoned and that message was completely and totally inappropriate. If you wanted to continue on with treatment, that should be okay with your RE and completely up to YOU and Your DH - not your RE.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) what a crappy day.
I'm with everyone else on this, I think your RE's 'see you in 6 months' is ridiculous! At the very least it should have been 'call when you're ready to resume treatment' or something like that.... You're not suddenly fertile after everything you've been through. I'm so sorry they're treating you like that, you have every right to make your own decisions regarding your IF! (((HUGS))) to you!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be comfortable with trying for 6 months given your past difficulties. I'd speak to the RE directly, and if he isn't amenable to a more aggressive approach, perhaps you should consider switching doctors.
ReplyDeleteI'm so relieved for you that your beta is back down.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm with the others. Waiting six months is not cool and is not ok. Give them a call back and ask to speak to your RE. There's no reason to wait another six months. As horrible as this sounds, they probably gave you the standard message and didn't consider your history.
Did I ever ask you what you teach?
I would feel the same way...maybe you can make a plan with your DH that you want to try on your own for X cycles and then go back to the RE? I'm sure if you call in 3 months they won't turn you away...
ReplyDeleteGlad your beta is back to normal and you have a clean slate to try again.
ReplyDeleteI would feel abandoned too if my RE's office said that. Even though I'm not ready to go back to the RE right now I would like them to offer the choice.
I'm sure they'll be willing to treat you, maybe they don't want to push the issue since you just had a miscarriage. I would definitely call back and speak to the RE.
I am very sorry the RE's office was so ignorant. I would definitely call the RE and make a plan. Even if you don't want to rush ART, having a plan might help you to feel better, since it makes you feel that you are not without help.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you feel so down. Those darn AF days are never easy to get through. Crap!
I hope a nice and relaxing evening will make you feel better!
I'm with everybody else - you are totally right to feel abandoned. I would feel the same way. Coming from this horrible loss, I'm sure you want to DO something that's going to work sooner rather than later. I think you and your hubs should sit down and make a plan, like Erika said. Decide what YOU want to do, then tell the RE what YOU want to do. And if he disagrees, he'd better have some good reasons!
ReplyDeleteI'm with the other posters. Starting over at square one doesn't make sense after everything you've been through unless that's what YOU want to do.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your beta is back down. *hugs*
Guess what? You're not alone...you have EIGHTY women who are here every day helping you makes sense of the craziness of this trip AND a husband that loves you.
ReplyDeleteI think the 6 month thing is INSANE and you know it too so follow up with them and find out their thoughts. If that was in a message - chances are she didn't look at you charts that closely...we've all had that happen, someone doesn't look at your history and gives you their default answer. Call again and get clarification.
Also, I believe in the fertility post-miscarriage train of thought. Happened with me (results TBD) and it happened with my sister.
I was offended for you when I read "see you in 6 months." That's ridiculous!!! Definitely call that RE back to discuss or go to another one - I think it's fine to wait a couple months before you do treatments or something, but that decision is up to YOU not the doctor!!!
ReplyDelete