Random thoughts and the search for a hobby

A few random things that have been rolling around in my head lately (interesting image):

1.  I hate the pregnant woman who works down the hall from me.  And I feel like a turd for doing so.  I can't stand to look at her.  Seriously, I avert my eyes when she walks by.  It's worse than any other pregnant woman I've known since I've been TTC.  This was true even when I was pregnant, too.  She has a 14 year old kid born when she was in high school or college and another one who she had right after she got here.  Now the second one is about to turn 2 and she's moments away from having the third.  Stupid hyper-fertile b****.  I'm not even sure why she's here this summer.  She only teaches here occasionally when we need someone to sub for a semester.  She's teaching in the fall (about three weeks after her next one is born), but not now.  Her husband is teaching this summer but she isn't.  But, here she is, waddling out of the elevator every five minutes hugging her belly.  And, I keep running into her as she's chatting with the pregnant former student of mine (because I'm sure they have many things to bond about, actually, and the latent "nice" side of me thinks it is good for the student to have someone to talk to).  Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.  I hate myself for hating her so much.  I just keep picturing how much worse it is going to be when she comes back in the fall with the new baby.  And, since both she and her husband will be teaching, I'm sure she'll be toting the kid around all the time (because that's what people do here) and everyone will be cooing and asking me when I'm finally going to have one.  Blech.  (I have to keep reminding myself that I wouldn't want her life and that there are plenty of reasons not to be jealous of her -- having a baby when you were in high school, for instance, or having to teach 3 weeks after having a kid.  Very hard to stay focused on that, though.)
2. My students had to write critical analysis essays about something scientific this summer.  One student chose to write about IVF.  I'm not sure what made her decide to do so (I suppose she could be an IVF baby herself...she's 17 years old, it is possible).   Anyway, reading her paper was just weird.  It was like my two worlds of work and IF had collided.  She did a pretty decent job of summarizing the process.  I kept having to stop myself from editing some of the details that would have obviously given me away as someone who has researched the process extensively.  (I did change "implant" to "transfer" though, because that always bothers me.)  She kept going on about how most insurance companies cover IF and IVF and I had to correct her on that.  But, the most frustrating thing was, although she was coming down on the side of IVF, she was trying to say that it is too complicated and people are too stupid to be able to follow the directions and it is too expensive so it just isn't worth it.  Yes, it is expensive and somewhat complicated, but she just can't understand what IFers are willing to put ourselves through.  I wanted to write a long comment about IF and IVF and introduce her to the IF-blogland, but I restrained myself. 
3. My younger nephew is going to be one in a few weeks.  The invitation to his party showed up the day after my m/c while I was holed up at home on the sofa.  It has a picture of him grinning from ear to ear and it just broke my heart.  My SIL asked my DH if I'd like to babysit him and his older brother after the party because she and her husband are going to celebrate by staying in a hotel overnight.  She's the only one in my DH's family who knew I was pregnant.  I just can't even imagine doing it.  I'm having a hard enough time going to the party -- this is not how I pictured it going.  He told her it was too soon for me.  I love both of the boys and hate that I can gauge how long we've been TTC by how old they are.  I wish I could figure out how to just be happy around them.  The younger one was born when I had a raging migraine from my very first Clomid cycle.  His birthday is hitting me extra hard this year. 
4. I am a giant fat pig.  OK, that is totally an exaggeration, but seriously, I've got to do something about my body.  I had gained about 5 pregnancy pounds and lost about 3 after the bloat and giant boobs disappeared.   If you add to that the general IF and stress weight I've gained over the past two years I just really need to lose at least 5 and more like 10 pounds.  I'm hating my body right now.  Half the time I still look pregnant.  I can't seem to make myself DO anything about it, though.  Comfort food has been so...well...comforting lately. 
5. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on Tuesday.  For one thing, I had my standard "O day" mental and emotional collapse to my DH on Tuesday night.  I'd forgotten how reliable that was!  Who needs OPKs when you know you're O'ing by how long you cry on the sofa to your husband about how much you hate your life?! 

OK, so the real point here is that I need to get this all out because I need to move on!!  I am so sick and tired of feeling so negative all the time.  Actually, I can't remember a time when I didn't feel negative.  IF seems to have sucked all the positive out of me.  I'm jealous and nervous and anxious and obsessed and depressed.  I want to write a post that doesn't elicit a sympathetic response but a "woohoo!" or a laugh.  And, I need to come up with something to fill my time that is not baby related.  The problem is that I seem to have reached a point where the only thing I think will make me happy is having a baby.  And, that's not really a good place to be.  I hadn't realized how much I was relying on maternity leave to help me be OK with how stressful and tiring my job has become.  It was my "out."  And, now that it is gone again, I am miserable thinking about the next school year.  I need to figure out a way to be happier with work.

And, more importantly, I need a new hobby.  Anybody have any ideas?  My hobbies are generally very much me sitting around by myself -- knitting, reading, blogging, watching TV, etc.  I need something that gets me out of the house and out of my head.

So, there you go, my meandering brain.